the final closure...

this is epic...after what i have been through in recent times... the said friend in the earlier posts has finally given me the closure...and i have to post it here 

"we stopped being in touch bec you & I stopped being each other. Because we started becoming formal & awkward in each other's presence. it happened bec whatever it was we had was over. and honestly, you are giving me more importance in my absence than what i ever really meant to you. its time that you let go."

let.it.go.!

i still dream of you sometimes...actually i should say often....my best friend ...my soul mate turned stranger... an alien. 

i feel nothing sometimes when u come to mind. its a dead feeling. 

at rare times it hits me with an intensity that i fail to comprehend ...anger, hurt, broken feelings, loss. it always starts with anger though...anger for having known u for so long and yet not known a bit about u. hurt comes a little later and just refuses to go. i try and try to look at things again...the way i saw it then...the way i see it now...the way u would ve seen it (though i hardly know u now) ...the way a third person would ve seen it...in all these ways something is difficult for me to understand ... what went so wrong that i wont ever pick up the phone n call u...i wont ever do that... never.

it has made me less of a person... that's the sort of loss i feel... no longer am i sure of my friendships...no longer do i have this complete sense of trust and security with a friend...no longer do i feel i can truly be myself with anyone... no longer do i feel that it is important... 

i often think had it been better if i hadn't known a person like u...that our paths wouldn't have crossed... i have had silent debates on this many a times. a part of me still wants to believe that life would ve been so much lesser if we hadn't met... but what i have of myself as a leftover fails to convince me of that. wish i hadn't known a person like u and sincerely pray that i don't meet anyone like u in future too. 

they say leave it ...let it go. and i try my best. really i do. 

but somewhere i have held it too close to let it part from me... and that's the irony of it all. 

our miracle :)

just realized that everyone has witnessed at least one miracle in their lifetime...

we named ours 'suhani' :)

things that change vs those that dont :)

some things change so much and yet some things just remain the same...the problem is that its always reverse of what we want...the things u hope to see changed are just the same n the things u wish wont change are so so different...
everything is a function of time i think!

since the last 2 days i have been going through multiple feelings n remembering varied moments n people...and i am not surprised about that.

it surprises me that everything has come back with such great intensity...like it had always been there. true that i m here with so much time after almost half a decade but doesn't that imply that i have all the more reason to forget it all...but seems like i haven't changed a bit about that... :) talk about wishes!

there are friends whom i haven't been in touch with for almost 10 years, who connect as simply as we meet everyday...and there are friends with whom i couldn't imagine being able to carry on even a single day, who have disappeared from my life as if we never existed together at the same place... and there are those with whom i lost touch for reasons i have failed to explain to myself as time has passed, who are still just a call away!

friends...all of whom have been of utmost importance in my life here in this city...without them i couldn't have managed to be the person i am today...yes they have meant a lot to me always.

:)

i tell u a lot of things...things that i sometimes feel are better off not sharing with anyone...feelings which i cant deal with myself...never thought i would do this to you.

but then again never been in this situation before...its not about being out of control...its just not having complete and total control... and in more ways than not it does make one feel helpless at times.

there are a lot of things i am liking about being in my current situation
things like
# having the time for myself... no work related stress!
# re-discovering the art of cooking...its really turning out to be good fun (never thought for the life of me i will get into cooking and enjoy it too)
# sleeping... one of my fav activity
# reading... its nice to be in this vacation mood - aah life!

:)

little bit of childhood that can never be lost!

a sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost!

read it somewhere - couldn't agree more

miss my sister more than anyone these days!

weird

i need to write... there are just so many feelings i am going through...maybe most women go through it during this phase - still

i am feeling weird... lost. alone. unreasonable. emotional. foolish. like i said weird.

don't feel like sharing with anyone. whats the point - don't feel like hearing
"its all part of the package"
"just now have positive thoughts"
"don't think about all this - it isn't good for you"

yes i know all this. really!

trying to stay away from it. almost running away from it!