u r.i am.

yes

u r.i am.

and thats all that matters

:)

coincidences...

when you are feeling lost and alone
when there is nothing that seems to make you feel at peace with yourself

when the only thing that could help is a knowing reassurance from a close friend
when the only distraction you can welcome is that of a friend who would understand without having been explained the why of things

at this point of time

how does it feel when you call the only three people who could understand...

- out of the three
one has her mobile phone switched off
second has a no reply on his cell phone
and the third ...the third refuses to recognise you...call it a coincidence that she has to miss your number only at this point of time...or maybe she is busy with her office meeting...or i dunno

or is it just that a number like three is unlucky to begin with???

feel free!!!

want to feel free..dont know what is preventing me from feeling that!

had read this long time ago on a poster...thought would share

you are free to
free to speak yr mind
free to make a living
free to believe in anything
free to to ignore everybody else
free to to learnfree to hate school
free to fall in love
free to fall out of love
free to dance to yr own tune
free to sing yr own song
free to raise a family
free to raise a toast
free to point a finger
free to move
free to stand still
free to wear jeans
free to pierce yr ears
free to help s'one in need
free to turn a blind eye to suffering
free to havce stars in yr eyes
free to have yr own point of view
free to have fun
free to be wotever u want to b
free to disagree
free to choose a life
free to change all that

FREE-DOM is everything!!!

that certain uncertainty!!!

there are so many small big things that keep on happening in our daily lives...things that dont have any direct effect on us...things that we can easily ignore coz it aint happening to us...things that will affect not our today...but might in some ways relate to our future...which is too farsighted anyways and hence not really worth thinking about now...or maybe it is...who knows...

one such thing right now here on campus is the final placement process!

its difficult to stay unaffected by it...its difficult to ignore...even though its the seniors who are getting placed right now...

there is a strange restlessness within...a strange fear...a certain uncertainty that arises somewhere within.

after all that is your real measure of performance...or is that also yet another milestone in the scheme of things...these are questions to which only life in its course might provide an answer...(note that i said "might")...again that certain uncertainty...

sometimes our whole life can be reduced to this certain uncertainty that we face at every step of our living...

when we are certain of who we are..
who we want to be...
but arent really sure that is what we should be...

whatever!!!

p.s. guess there are lots that i can write about this but somehow dont think words would do justice to what i am trying to figure out here!!!

since when???

since when did i become so blank
that despite the light around, i just see the dark

since when did i forget to express
every little emotion that i never had to suppress

since when did i start staring at the wall
with the hope that it will answer it all

since when did i become so conscious
that every little moment of joy ends up in a mess

since when did i become so negative
that everything now has become relative

since when did i lose so much of myself
that i can now compare myself to a showpiece on that shelf???

let me be!

i hate it when i have to hear what i should be and what i shouldnt be in future...

i dont know why though...

it seems weird to me that you have to go out of your way to tell me that i shouldnt be extravagant...the instant question that pops up in my mind is what if i will be extravagant...how does that change any bit of me that i will be tommorow...does extravagance have any significance to being what i am today...and what do you mean by extravagant...i mean it bugs me to the extent that i get into a row with you...but why...why do you have to ask such insignificant questions...i dont understand it.

today is a completely different situation from what tomorrow would be and i hate to define tomorrow based on today...it is absurd. today i am learning...tomorrow i will earn...(or at least hoping to earn). today i m cautious maybe partly because tomorrow i want to have as much to not be cautious about. dont you get it...and why do you start assuming such things from now...

or maybe the reason is far more deeper inner than this....yesterday you had defined a today...in which you had talked about how you never change...how people around you change... and loads of similar things...about confidence, genuineness and behavior. You still want to believe you didnt change...when the today eventually came...but i know you changed and i refuse to argue over that coz i think its only natural to change...so why get into these talks about the future...let it just be...why do u have to define a today based on your yesterday or even a future based on today...just let it be!

and more importantly just let me be...dont define a future me based on the me i am today...coz i get scared of having so much more of me tomorrow that your today's definition wont fit in that space that u have defined me for future...coz thats what i live for...for making me a little more than i am today...so that i can make a little more difference tomorrow than i can today...

even if that doesnt make sense to you!

blame it all on distance...

there was a time when i used to proudly say that long distances doesn't necessarily change things that keep a relationship goin on...i still want to believe this...deep within my mind i still haven't been able to deny this belief completely...but i prefer to not announce it to anyone anymore.

Being out of home for the first time, i have realised many small small things that have changed and will keep on changing over the years that i am going to be at a distance...maybe things wont ever get back to being what they used to be...

and that means in a way a lot of me would be left behind...or already has...

...would like to blame it on the distance factor...but don't really know who is to be blamed...circumstances one could say...i still havent figured it out.

one small thing that blows so out of proportion because of distances is expectations...they are not just my expectations from myself and others around me...but a whole world of people'e expectations from me.

and expectations, as i have realised, have a tendency to keep on increasing!

i dont know...maybe i overreact way too soon...maybe this happens with everyone...

but thats what my point has always been...that i m not everyone...and that whats i keep on holding on to here also...despite everything that keeps on changing...every single day...

...things like

...you stop connecting to your old friends...coz you want to finally GROW up...so you stop sharing small things that make a difference to you every moment that u are here...

...you start behaving with your parents...its like a good daughter's rule that you are expected to carry on with ever since you ve been born...which you couldnt ever have managed but for long distances...coz you dont have to face them every day...again and again...so the least that u are expected to do over the phone...you do that

...you decide to get not too upset about the fact that your one special friend is busy...not to question his busy-ness...to mind your own business...and eventually lose that special feeling...for reasons not known to anyone...ya...but you lose that...and you have no-one to blame...so you decide to move on...

...you keep on living a somewhat make-believe life at the distance...thinking it doesnt matter to people here...coz they dont really know you...but you will not change for the few people who matter to you back at home...for them you will live...the three months that you have no choice about here...for those 7 days that you can be yourself when you are back home...

but guess what when you go back there...home changes...people whom you used to matter change...their expectations from you change...and maybe you also change so much so that you suddenly dont know where you belong...coz those 7 days make you lose your imaginary world that you have created at that distance...and suddenly there isnt anything left that you can hold on to...call your own...

maybe thats because there is nothing in this world which is yours...wont ever be...

and this is that learning which everyone keeps on talking about when they say distances make you learn few lessons...that will last you a lifetime...

even though change is the only constant in this world...even tho i am constantly changing...

i still try to not lose a lot of me in the entire process...coz one thing i have realised that the more of me i lose with years...the less concerned i become...the less important life becomes...no matter how much more knowledge i gain...life is a little less meaningful that what it used to be...and a lot lesser i like myself!