on second thoughts

there is another person whom i wanted to mail today...but on second thoughts didnt.not because i think he will feel bad but because it doesnt matter to him anyways.

cos he is too far away from all of this to even bother.

his artificial wall of status doesnt let him be the genuine person that i had known him to be.

on second thoughts maybe i am in a bashing mode.

finally lost!!!

felt like writing a mail to you...to communicate... that we have lost each other...
no its not a sudden realisation!

have felt it all along the past so many months...felt like telling you...coz i guess finally i have accepted this...and i wont ever go back on it again...never like who we were...

but then i really cannot afford to let you tear apart the smallest of memories that are left with me about the us we had been at one point of my life.

really sad though!

i have learnt a lot from you...about love...about life...about myself as well...i have admired you. for small things that were so much you.i have loved you. and now i have lost you.

the saddest part though is not that.

it is that i no longer feel the need to communicate to you
to tell you things that i want to
to share things going on in my life
to laugh with you
to shed a tear when i am low
to smile with you at times when i make a fool of myself

to even let you know that there are still some times when i miss you
to remind you that u forgot my birthday

the saddest part is
that you have finally proved your belief
that i am not there for you

coz i dont feel like being there for you
...coz you just dont let me be
you dont accept that things have changed
...
coz i see you blaming me for everything that has gone wrong now

the saddest part is
i have become indifferent to you

and there is nothing i feel like doing about it!

new place...new beginnings

yes once again i am at a new place...with new people...new beginnings...

and with so many new things around the same longing for the old things

(sigh!!!)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

quite some time that i have blogged.
there are quite a few things that i feel like blogging about dont know where to begin

home was good this time although i m yet to feel at my home again.guess i have forgotten that feeling now.good...'coz that made me be at peace this time around when i was there...

meeting with p back at home was the best thing i think...guess can never thank her enough for all the time she spared for me despite work and other stuff...wont ever get around to telling her though i think...but i really was touched at her efforts to be with me while i was there

meeting another long lost friend was also better than i had expected...guess time and distance has made me forget everything else now

birthday was also good :)...spend it with my small world...only people who really matter to me...who really care...it was a good feeling

had a strange encounter in the flight...really strange...but very pleasant. met a friend's colleague and instantly connected with her as if we ve been friends for life...really really uncanny...it is these encounters that make me believe in life more than otherwise

there are so many bits and pieces which i cant put together!

so will let this be!

the last day of being pgp-1

dunno why i am so restless and exhausted!!!

change is not something that we can get accustomed to very easily....have been contemplating this now for quite some time and yet when its here it is making me feel queer...why is what i am trying to introspect although i know the answers...but there has to be something apart from the obvious as well which is shaking me up from within!

the last day here as a junior isnt that consequential or is it???

i think part of the uneasiness is also about leaving this room (Kachhnar 15)...which has been so mine for these last 9 months...talk about getting attached to people ...here i m getting emotional about a lifeless room...

actually its not a room...its a hint of what life is going to be like tomorrow...and thats what is discomfitting me now... :(

okies...

enough of philoso-phising on life...

what i am definitely goin to miss when i come back on campus is my room...the comfort of being around girls all the time...and especially both my neighbours...no matter how distant we have become staying here

i m definitely goin to miss have the cooler on my floor...(hoping that staying at first floor will get me some much needed exercise)

my world is like a pack of cards...just when everyone is in place and i feel like i am almost winning...it seems like i have won some and lost some...and somebody reshuffles the pack...with again that uncertainty of not knowing what cards are goin to come to me...

once again i am preparing for a new deal...with life...there is a strange happy-sad feeling with it...yes there is this bit of happiness of discovering something new with a new deal...but also the listlessness of losing the present comfort as well

i want to smile at what life keeps on offering me every once in a while.its not as bad as i fear it to be...

there is this strange intense love-hate feeling i can associate with this kind of life!