remind me...

when i become rich and successful
remind me that i want to own and run a small bakery+bookstore+cafe.
I want to name it 'my very own world'

it will be a bright and vibrant corner
...cozy place with loads of bean bags and tables
it will be the alternate reality for all those who believe in themselves in spite of the world

it will have those books
that you ve been thinking of reading all those years
that you have not managed the time for

mostly it will be a place which will

let u think...wonder...dream...contemplate...get lost...& find yourself
a place that will let u be...yourself

where you can smile without a care in the world

please remind me in case i forget as i move ahead in life
- this place is my small unambitious dream as i move towards my ambitious career

as we go on...

mom cried today...it was depressing.

she had her reasons...i can't help them. i wish i could though!

i also wish i could run back to someone who would ve let me cry...who would ve heard me out...who would ve understood why she wasnt completely wrong...who would be just been there...

guess its not good enough a reason to want someone to be able to cry myself dry...is it? he would'nt have understood anyway...or would he?

life complicates itself as we grow older...i concluded...after mom was over crying...there are so many things to look back into...so many things we could ve done better...so many things we deserved more...so many wrongs people did to us...our very own people...how do we ever get down to living with them...

i dont know...i feel sad for mom.period.

yearning...

i know there is nothing wrong...that i am good...that i can do anything that i want to...
but i somehow need you to be here to let me know that...

wish u would be here!

on a personal note...

sometimes like today i miss the 'he' who isnt there in my life...

he who would ve been different than the rest
he who i would ve held hands with
he who i would ve taken care of
he who would take care of me
he who would ve loved me

he who would ve resolved the petty doubts in my mind
he who would ve cracked silly jokes that would set me rolling with laughter
he who would ve made me forget everything else
he with whom nothing else would matter

'he' whom i would ve loved...
so much that there would be no doubts ever...

my dear he
"where are you...will i find u ever???"

mis-Fortune

Today's fortune:

You will be unusually successful in business

Today's mis - fortune

You will be usually un-successful in business

a thousand splendid suns...starkly opposite to what i am feeling now

its a lost lonely world!

yes it is, when you can't even stop to share a smile...

yes it is...

there are a lot of reasons to it but something prevents me from putting it down here...

p.s. [sigh] i take myself too seriously...yes i need to shed off all this...

yes yes yes! :)

God Says Yes To Me
~Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
And she said "yes"
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said "it sure is"
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said "honey ..."
(she calls me that sometimes)
she said "you can do just exactly
what you want to"
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
"Sweetcakes" God said
(who knows where she picked that up)
"what I'm telling you is Yes Yes Yes"


[p.s. read it at someone's blog and couldn't resist putting it up here]

cool fresh air...somewhere quite here!

i had a great weekend...considering the way it began...i think its a great success and something that needs to be put on record! :)

sometimes the best of the things begin in the worst of ways!

i had been longing for a relaxed weekend for quite some time...the one in which i can just laze around...read a book...have good italian pasta and chinese food...play scrabble...have a coffee break...drive down the city with chilly breeze making me shiver...with nothing to worry...

... all my wishes were granted...not necessarily in that order though...:)

and read a simply amazing book ['Its not about the bike' by Lance Armstrong]
apart from the fact that i read something after a long long time... it makes me really happy that i read this particular book....

and no matter how much i would want to put it in words...its impossible to express...i tried to live the book....it was difficult...i cried and laughed with it but living it was difficult...and hats off to Lance who lived up every single moment of it.

amen!

a why? day

its a melancholic day!

dont ask me why...
the charm of a smile is lost somewhere
the conversation-less moment is too heavy to bear

miles to go...

i lose my patience quite easily these days...and i dont think thats a thing i take pride in doing.

i mean its hardly been two months here and i have already landed myself in a situation when people whom i value [yes i have already begun respecting people for a lot more than what they sometimes seem to be] seem to be taking me for granted....or is it my expectation of them that makes me feel like a loser sometimes.

i dont know...getting back to the daily rules of a corporate office is fun but it comes with its own share of disappointments as well...

like for instance today...
it was a sheer waste...and then at the end of the day i dont even know whom to blame it at...

whatever...i guess i cant be complaining so soon.
the corporate game has just begun...and there is a long long way to go...

and there are promises to keep...
and miles to go before i sleep!

some lessons on myself...[:)]

these days i am learning a lot of things abt myself...

like...
...i am a fast learner
...i give it everything when there is a need to
...i smile a lot when i m learning something new
...i dont doubt myself

n i m loving it...

p-erfect strangers!

i don't know how we [or should i say u] can manage it but yes we have become perfect strangers!

and i hate it although i am playing along.
i really dont know how to break the ice this time around...i mean c'on we aren't kids anymore [or is that the grudge u have with life...]
no i am not complaining but in a way i am tired...and i dont like to be disconnected with you of all people...talk about the choices we hardly get!

and pretending everyday that nothing is wrong really is a pain...i mean c'on now...u dont think so...really!
yea...no longer do i feel like telling u things that are on my mind...n if n when i do...i know u are just not listening...

pata naii...

guess all this is part of fresh beginnings!

friday.13th.april.2007

colours.packing paper.star-ry stuff.my best pal.distances.missing.loads.no cribbing.chocolate cake.bheja fry.fish.forgeting.reminding.wishes.of all shapes n sizes.loving.gifts.calcutta.genuine.bygones.fresh beginnings.high spirits.heady.y?.y not?gtalk.surprises.arrogance.forgiving.living.

unusual.
different.
happiness.

amen!

[phew!]

i dont feel like connecting to u...which is sad...and unusual!

i tried...and even though i am feeling bad but i dont have the patience...:(

there are some things on my mind too...and wonder when i will sort them out!

so much to write n so few words manage to wriggle out of my mind!

sigh!

illusionary dialogues...in daily life!

increasingly with time i realise that the most important thing in a relationship is conversations...a dialogue...to know whats on the other's mind...to be able to connect and be there for the loved one!

and increasingly i also realise that as time passes me by that is one of the most difficult things to do...to communicate...

a dialogue!

there are so many conversations that i have all by myself...posing fr the person i am having a dialogue with...thinking how he would ve thought...saying what he would ve said...and yes leading to my own conclusions based on this...

i realise that it is rather silly of me to do that...because nobody ever can pose for me in such illusionary conversations...i myself do not know how i am going to react...sometimes i surprise myself...

but i still have them...these conversations...because its seems very difficult to strike them with you...when i want to...

the one like today's!

don't know what it was but was craving a conversation with you!
but posing as you in the conversation...there is just no time or need for it anymore!

p.s. i like the status message of Casa, "Back to life or the lack of it!"

sixth sense...:(

i don't know how but i manage to get into these situations by being me.

i have this sixth sense about you and about what you might just be thinking...but i feel like telling you, "no honie, dont mistake it for my love interest in you because frankly speaking i don't have any in you."

But i take a step back and wish that you don't do anything stupid enough for me to have to tell you this because believe it or not you are a friend and at no cost would i want you to feel like a loser because of me. i have been wondering off late about how and when i gave u such reasons [i.e. if i gave u any] but you know what i really don't recall myself saying anything extra special to you...i have been as regular with u as i am with everyone else...and maybe its my over imagination but pls stay clear of this mess.

okay then!!!

okay then!

so that u know you are giving me too many reasons to stay off you although i am trying really hard to not do that...just because in the last two months i dont want to be spoiling all that friendship that we have build over last two years

i dont know...i mean i really dont know you suddenly...
well today u say i am difficult to manage...excuse me YOU ARE NOBODY to manage me and i refuse to take this crap from you...would you please like to clarify what u mean by that...or tell you what just keep your reasons to yourself and lets just shut up for the rest two months so that its not difficult for you anymore.

well to tell you the truth how u manage ur different set of friends is your problem not mine so please dont involve me into it...i am fine the way i am and i am not cribbing about anything related to u so BACK OFF

i am not even telling you to make choices then why are you giving this crap to me...i am livid right now but you know what i dont want to be difficult with you anymore...

dont make me a scapegoat of everything that u cant seem to handle by yourself...i sooooooo hate you for that...

i mean be a man yaar...if not that at least be a friend!

i m really annoyed!

because if u have to maintain that position of yours in the good books of everyone around u might have to lose having a good friend around because guess what i dont care about the world as much as i would ve about you...and if u go jabbering around that its me who is making life difficult for you...i am sorry i would have to make life a lot less difficult for u by being out of it. don't push me to that end that i get compelled to do that.

life comes a full circle...again!

the circle of life fascinates me no end...

the same phases come and they go and yet return again...everytime leaving me with mixed feelings...

its the same place with the same people...just a changed situtation and a whole lot of coping up...
and the same anxiety of what next...and the same lot of endless waiting...for the future to unfold!

thank god some things dont change though...the same feeling within that no matter what everything will always happen for the best!

amen!

after the calm, the storm awaits!

i have been putting this off for a long time now. but no longer now!

or guess two three more days...[sigh]

bright flaming red...

i m losing patience and i m feeling foolish...

[:(]

n i dont like that.

i dont like people who pretend to be gods...who think they can judge capabilities of others...they are not leaders they are worst of the disciples of their own conceited selves...they are self obsessed...they lack humility...and invariably they rise to the positions of authority.

i get sick of the same imbalance everywhere...[:(]

and today i m just upset angry and impatient about it...

sometimes what i miss most is a conversation...and today makes me feel sad because i have one less from my set of friends with whom i have enjoyed having one...and i realise the next two and a half months are going to be a lot less without her.

go ahead...be gone with it !

the days are numbered...
14 days to go...

and yet again i realise its easier said than done
un-learning to be a friend is not at all fun!

a 'novel' way of life

after a long time a book moved me to tears...made me forget my life in a way that i could completely lose myself into the roles and characters in the book

what is it about these characters that i so much relate to...as if i am living their life...feeling every pain that they suffer...almost an irony that i cant feel my own life that closely at times and feel as if i am constantly running to avoid living the reality...yet its so much easier to live the same in the novels...

no by no means am i complaining life is unfair to me!

its just that the experience called life is better lived at times through the characters in novels like 'Thornbirds' ...the hurt, the pain, which i put aside somewhere within become sore and the bitter sweet sensation of it all brings a kind of refreshment to life that cant be put in mere words...

tum

tum...

ek ehsaas ho
pata nahin kyon
jee uthne ki aas ho

ho to bahot dur mujhse
par lagta hai ki paas ho

tum...

na jaane kyon itne khaas ho!

tum...

ek talaash ho
pata nahin kabhi miloge bhi
ya sirf ek abhaas ho!

tum

...ek khwaab ho!

adieu 2006...welcome 2007!

the year gone by seems so dear as it passes me by
the new year seems like a stranger as i embrace it with a smile

i raise a toast
to all those moments lived in 2006
to everything unknown in 2007

cheers!