there was a time when i used to proudly say that long distances doesn't necessarily change things that keep a relationship goin on...i still want to believe this...deep within my mind i still haven't been able to deny this belief completely...but i prefer to not announce it to anyone anymore.
Being out of home for the first time, i have realised many small small things that have changed and will keep on changing over the years that i am going to be at a distance...maybe things wont ever get back to being what they used to be...
and that means in a way a lot of me would be left behind...or already has...
...would like to blame it on the distance factor...but don't really know who is to be blamed...circumstances one could say...i still havent figured it out.
one small thing that blows so out of proportion because of distances is expectations...they are not just my expectations from myself and others around me...but a whole world of people'e expectations from me.
and expectations, as i have realised, have a tendency to keep on increasing!
i dont know...maybe i overreact way too soon...maybe this happens with everyone...
but thats what my point has always been...that i m not everyone...and that whats i keep on holding on to here also...despite everything that keeps on changing...every single day...
...things like
...you stop connecting to your old friends...coz you want to finally GROW up...so you stop sharing small things that make a difference to you every moment that u are here...
...you start behaving with your parents...its like a good daughter's rule that you are expected to carry on with ever since you ve been born...which you couldnt ever have managed but for long distances...coz you dont have to face them every day...again and again...so the least that u are expected to do over the phone...you do that
...you decide to get not too upset about the fact that your one special friend is busy...not to question his busy-ness...to mind your own business...and eventually lose that special feeling...for reasons not known to anyone...ya...but you lose that...and you have no-one to blame...so you decide to move on...
...you keep on living a somewhat make-believe life at the distance...thinking it doesnt matter to people here...coz they dont really know you...but you will not change for the few people who matter to you back at home...for them you will live...the three months that you have no choice about here...for those 7 days that you can be yourself when you are back home...
but guess what when you go back there...home changes...people whom you used to matter change...their expectations from you change...and maybe you also change so much so that you suddenly dont know where you belong...coz those 7 days make you lose your imaginary world that you have created at that distance...and suddenly there isnt anything left that you can hold on to...call your own...
maybe thats because there is nothing in this world which is yours...wont ever be...
and this is that learning which everyone keeps on talking about when they say distances make you learn few lessons...that will last you a lifetime...
even though change is the only constant in this world...even tho i am constantly changing...
i still try to not lose a lot of me in the entire process...coz one thing i have realised that the more of me i lose with years...the less concerned i become...the less important life becomes...no matter how much more knowledge i gain...life is a little less meaningful that what it used to be...and a lot lesser i like myself!
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Almost makes my eyes moist. I know that feeling. Have known it for very long, and have lived with it for very long too. But I guess we are somewhat wrong in our expectation that things should remain the way they were. No they wont. And lets try to treasure the past and move on, than be sad about the past not being the present anymore. I am still trying...
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