so many thoughts...so much to feel...in just this one moment...
one moment
...and you are extremely overwhelmed at the lessons that life has to teach through so many various situations and people
one moment
...and you just dunno how to react to that sudden pang of helplessness of your buddie who is missing his dad...who for reasons unknown isnt there with him...at this stage of life.
one moment
...and you start heeheehaha-ing with that same buddie to avoid all the awkwardness of being caught in that moment of being sentimental and all emotional...
one moment
...and you are on a completely different track of life talking about completely unrelated things in life
one moment
...and you get to know that your best friend is looking for you at 00.15 hrs to share a news
one moment
...and wow...she finally got her article published...not many will understand what that means to her...and how proud i am of her
one moment
...and i realise that more than a cause of happiness...the happy news is her reason for worry...coz this world never really understand things that are so close to our hearts
one moment
...and i realise that this world wont change just because you want to keep your life simple and be happy
one moment
...and we are okay with the fact of this world being the way it is
one moment
...and i am suddenly surrounded by two different group of friends...one online...and other two with me here in my room
one moment
...and i suddenly want to be with both of them...one is my bestest buddie...with whom i m discussing our fears and beliefs...and the second is my friends here with whom i do timepass everyday...at their height of vellapanti...but hey i want to do that as well
one moment
...and i am managing both sides...my mind not lettin me be a 100 percent at both ends...but refusing to let go of any one end
one moment
...and suddenly my friends here leave me to be alone...finally. but hey my friend at the other end also is ready to go...
one moment
...and i m alone in my room once again...
one moment
...and i m missin my friends...(missin more of the ones who were here with me till now...than the one who is at a distance)...
one moment
... and i realise that i want to rewind a bit...go bac in time...just one moment ago
but hey
one moment is no longer there...
it fascinates me more than upsetting me!!!
Friday, February 24, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
self-imposed humiliation
have u ever felt so enraged that u dont have any control over yourself anymore...
that you just could smash someones face with the most impulsive hardhitting punch ever...
that you just dont know how to stay alone but cant be with anyone anymore...
...that tears just cant help rolling from your eyes...that you just start wishing there was someone who would just hug you right here and now...without showing sympathy for the humiliation you are goin through because of your uncontrolled state of anger...
i hope you havent...
coz its not one of the feeling i choose to feel...
i just dont have enough will power to not let me suffer from this humiliation of uncontrolled anger at this point of time...
and i sure feel helpless about it
that you just could smash someones face with the most impulsive hardhitting punch ever...
that you just dont know how to stay alone but cant be with anyone anymore...
...that tears just cant help rolling from your eyes...that you just start wishing there was someone who would just hug you right here and now...without showing sympathy for the humiliation you are goin through because of your uncontrolled state of anger...
i hope you havent...
coz its not one of the feeling i choose to feel...
i just dont have enough will power to not let me suffer from this humiliation of uncontrolled anger at this point of time...
and i sure feel helpless about it
Friday, February 17, 2006
un-mind-less-ness
since the past three days havent been getting sound sleep...i wonder why...and because of the exhaustion i have become very restless.
cant really figure out the reasons why...
really felt like catching up with u...over a cup of coffee...laughing over silly jokes which hardly ever made sense...making a plan to initiate our own endeavor...something that would be our idea and plan...something that nobody can duplicate...its been quite long that we did something like that...i m sure wont ever pair up for that kind of fun in future...wish that i had a time machine...would ve visited that time and place once again today...but again like i said once to u...life always moves ahead...if only it could have moved backwards....
after a long time played sports as part of tournament as a mixed doubles team...thats the only good part about the last three days that we won the first two matches.
winning is addictive...that is one reason why i just dont want to win sometimes...thats one reason why i dont much like the concept of a competition in life...i dont want to get into the viscious circle of winning...i want to be casual...and wining once compels me to lose my complacent attitude...it forces me to outdo myself...it builds up that pressure and anticipated burden of failure...which makes life a rat race...which utlimately doesnt even let me enjoy the fun of being a deserving winner...whatever
u know subconsciously i am not making any efforts to connect to you...and i am sharing some guilt for that...but you know for once i am tired of making that constant effort to stay in touch...why you also dont feel like talking to me so many times...you also just fail to acknowlege that i exist so many times...so many times that this one time i want to not exist...coz i somehow dont see reason in being there whenever you call up...incidentally (unfortunately) this one time i am going through a tough crisis because of which i actually havent been 'connected' to a lot many friends that i stay in touch with...but with you...a bit of me is just failing to connect...and for once i dont want to feel sorry for this.
cant really figure out the reasons why...
really felt like catching up with u...over a cup of coffee...laughing over silly jokes which hardly ever made sense...making a plan to initiate our own endeavor...something that would be our idea and plan...something that nobody can duplicate...its been quite long that we did something like that...i m sure wont ever pair up for that kind of fun in future...wish that i had a time machine...would ve visited that time and place once again today...but again like i said once to u...life always moves ahead...if only it could have moved backwards....
after a long time played sports as part of tournament as a mixed doubles team...thats the only good part about the last three days that we won the first two matches.
winning is addictive...that is one reason why i just dont want to win sometimes...thats one reason why i dont much like the concept of a competition in life...i dont want to get into the viscious circle of winning...i want to be casual...and wining once compels me to lose my complacent attitude...it forces me to outdo myself...it builds up that pressure and anticipated burden of failure...which makes life a rat race...which utlimately doesnt even let me enjoy the fun of being a deserving winner...whatever
u know subconsciously i am not making any efforts to connect to you...and i am sharing some guilt for that...but you know for once i am tired of making that constant effort to stay in touch...why you also dont feel like talking to me so many times...you also just fail to acknowlege that i exist so many times...so many times that this one time i want to not exist...coz i somehow dont see reason in being there whenever you call up...incidentally (unfortunately) this one time i am going through a tough crisis because of which i actually havent been 'connected' to a lot many friends that i stay in touch with...but with you...a bit of me is just failing to connect...and for once i dont want to feel sorry for this.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Diarios De Motocicleta (Motorcycle Diaries, The)
i had read parts of this book as well...but i guess video is undoubtedly the better way of getting exposed to issues like these...serious...thought provoking...and dont know what what more.
I am sure there are finer details in the book...something that no video can capture.
Frankly speaking hadn't a clue about who Ernesto Guevara de la Serna aka 'Che' Guevara was until K had told me that she was seriously re-considering the thought of marrying the guy (thankfully her husband now) because he hadnt heard about Che until she mentioned to him. I had almost fallen off the chair myself at her insane standards for choosing someone for a life partner. I really had coz by then even i hadnt heard much about him. Although after knowing the little that i know now, i can figure the reasons somewhat.
I ain't any authority either on movies in general or this subject so i wouldn't claim too much knowledge on the same.
But something about the movie...about 'Che' does hit deep within...and affects in a way that no words can express ever.
Even though the movie begins on a adventurous note with the two friends Alberto and Ernesto and a plan to travel 8000 kilometers in four months to explore the Latin American Continent that they knew only by books on their 'La Poderosa' (for the uninitiated a motorcycle which in their own words was "A '39 Norton 500 thats battered and leaks"), it eventually turns out to be a lot more than just an adventure.
what actually makes it so much more is worth pondering over...was it the difficulty that they faced in their travel...was it the warmth of the strangers that they received on the way...was it the sufferings of the people that they encountered while meeting them...was it the uncertainty of their own lives...of even whether they will live through their journey...or was it the reality that hit them hard...to be able to percieve the injustice metted out to natives by the so called powerful people...was it just the few smiles that the kind and sincere deeds of the two friends brought into the lives of the leprosy patients they lived with...or was it the honesty of Fuser...maybe it was just the light hearted humour of Alberto...
but there definitey was something that manages to make you think...and gives rise to that eagerness to do something...to maybe not achieve much...but fill in that something which is bereft of feeling anything unless you contribute your share to the society...the humankind.
like Ernesto Guevara de la Serna himself concludes by saying
"...but that aimless roaming through our enormous America has changed me more than i thought. I...am not myself anymore. At least, i am not the same inside."
I am sure there are finer details in the book...something that no video can capture.
Frankly speaking hadn't a clue about who Ernesto Guevara de la Serna aka 'Che' Guevara was until K had told me that she was seriously re-considering the thought of marrying the guy (thankfully her husband now) because he hadnt heard about Che until she mentioned to him. I had almost fallen off the chair myself at her insane standards for choosing someone for a life partner. I really had coz by then even i hadnt heard much about him. Although after knowing the little that i know now, i can figure the reasons somewhat.
I ain't any authority either on movies in general or this subject so i wouldn't claim too much knowledge on the same.
But something about the movie...about 'Che' does hit deep within...and affects in a way that no words can express ever.
Even though the movie begins on a adventurous note with the two friends Alberto and Ernesto and a plan to travel 8000 kilometers in four months to explore the Latin American Continent that they knew only by books on their 'La Poderosa' (for the uninitiated a motorcycle which in their own words was "A '39 Norton 500 thats battered and leaks"), it eventually turns out to be a lot more than just an adventure.
what actually makes it so much more is worth pondering over...was it the difficulty that they faced in their travel...was it the warmth of the strangers that they received on the way...was it the sufferings of the people that they encountered while meeting them...was it the uncertainty of their own lives...of even whether they will live through their journey...or was it the reality that hit them hard...to be able to percieve the injustice metted out to natives by the so called powerful people...was it just the few smiles that the kind and sincere deeds of the two friends brought into the lives of the leprosy patients they lived with...or was it the honesty of Fuser...maybe it was just the light hearted humour of Alberto...
but there definitey was something that manages to make you think...and gives rise to that eagerness to do something...to maybe not achieve much...but fill in that something which is bereft of feeling anything unless you contribute your share to the society...the humankind.
like Ernesto Guevara de la Serna himself concludes by saying
"...but that aimless roaming through our enormous America has changed me more than i thought. I...am not myself anymore. At least, i am not the same inside."
About Scarlet O' Hara & more importantly Rhett Butler...
just saw the movie today...ya without reading the book (i know its a sin yet couldnt much help it)...have read half the book but somehow time wasnt ever so abundant that i could finish it...
the movie (as most who have read the book would say) can never do justice to stories like these...but i m so glad that they make it...nonetheless!
dont get much words to describe what it feels after the movie...somewhere within i can relate to Ms Scarlet o'Hara...arrogant...immature...strong willed...impossible...egotist. Mostly that desire to make it through life...no matter what goes wrong...not give up! Guess thats something that only Captain Butler (or maybe even melly) could have understood...so helplessly in love with her...that he was...in spite of himself.
i know this doesnt happen in real life...there isn't a Scarlet O' Hara...who can be what she wants to be and get away with that even... and neither is there a Captain Rhett Butler...to love her and keep her safe no matter what...even when she doesnt want him to...but stories such as these do ignite that streak of hope within...
there are so many instances in the movie when i cried out aloud...laughed...lived the story myself...being scarlet and (you might find it funny) also rhett butler for that matter...
movies like this make me believe that there is nothing like a perfect relationship...and thank god for that...perfectness scares me...thats just too pretentious to be true i think.
the movie (as most who have read the book would say) can never do justice to stories like these...but i m so glad that they make it...nonetheless!
dont get much words to describe what it feels after the movie...somewhere within i can relate to Ms Scarlet o'Hara...arrogant...immature...strong willed...impossible...egotist. Mostly that desire to make it through life...no matter what goes wrong...not give up! Guess thats something that only Captain Butler (or maybe even melly) could have understood...so helplessly in love with her...that he was...in spite of himself.
i know this doesnt happen in real life...there isn't a Scarlet O' Hara...who can be what she wants to be and get away with that even... and neither is there a Captain Rhett Butler...to love her and keep her safe no matter what...even when she doesnt want him to...but stories such as these do ignite that streak of hope within...
there are so many instances in the movie when i cried out aloud...laughed...lived the story myself...being scarlet and (you might find it funny) also rhett butler for that matter...
movies like this make me believe that there is nothing like a perfect relationship...and thank god for that...perfectness scares me...thats just too pretentious to be true i think.
Episode #2 - Consortium of sorts
resuming that series...here's the next two in my list
# hbang
...dont really know what else to call him...banged into him by chance and we became friends for life...got to know each other through third parties...never really talked about our personal lives...coz there wasnt any time left to do that talking...we were so busy planning how to tease each other and laugh at our silliness...he is a welcome distraction in my life...there are few who would spare time in this busy world to laugh at the lighter side of life...and i m so glad that i have him for that.and in the midst of all this merry times...didnt even realise when we began discussing our small serious issues in life...it was so spontaneous...thats what i call frienship which i am ready to own...anytime of my life now!!!
He will laugh his heart out at this party idea...but will make sure that he attends...if it is in the city he is in...or at the time when he is free...or...basically if he doesnt get an excuse big enough....or so i think! But most of my other friends will like him coz he is a people's person...one of the person who wont think much about the marked differences within the group of my special friends! be there...dance and make the most of it while he is there!
# mumpy
she could kill me right here for calling her that...but its fun getting an opportunity to do that here...ya thats her pet name which, like a kid, she hates to be addressed as. It is uncanny how well we understand each other...the hardcore feminist (or should i say the worst enemy of a MCP) in us makes us both the very independent individuals that we are...and yet the feminine side in us which make us yearn for that one guy who would really understand us for the independence that we cant give up for anyone in life...the non-conformists who appreciate the finer things in life...films...books...coffee :) Tres bien!
Cant figure out how she will react to this...maybe she wont mind attending the party...cant be sure about her not minding the guests though! :P
Saturday, February 11, 2006
is it because i am who i am?
sometimes i feel strange and weird that i have changed such a lot...
now here is an opportunity where i can go out with friends on a vacation to a nearby beach resort...and here i am pondering over the possible excuses so that i dont have to go...
was i ever like that? no i wasnt...
i used to be someone who would at the drop of a hat make programs and make them happen...because i so loved being out...the feeling of getting to know each other better...the feeling of not doing the routine mundane chores...
but taking the ponder-level to a different platform...if somebody would still give me an opportunity like this with my close group of friends in all probability i wont want to find excuses...
have i become so sad...or grown up for that matter that simple things like these dont matter anymore...or is it just another instance where i have not really grown fond of people whom i live with...who are so much part of my life here that we are almost like family
i dont know...but i feel a sudden sad pang hitting me as i wonder about the reasons...maybe i am past that age...when one would just do all these without thinking...coz to me these things are far more significant now...the people i travel with...just to begin with
i m suddenly missing my school friends and school days...coz i would love this trip with them...there would be certain restrictions on things we could do then (which actually was the basic charm of doing them at the first place)...there would be certain rules and regulations (which we would love to break) ...certain places barred from visiting...so that it suddenly makes more sense to be able to announce "been there done that"...:) silly one may say...but those are no longer there anymore...
i am allowed to do everything...even smoke drink...something which i dont see sense in anymore (not that it used to be of great interest to me anyway)
maybe what really prevents me from going to trips like these are the conflicting habits of this peer group...maybe we have known each other too well in too less time...so much that i dont want to know anyone anymore...coz it really doesnt matter...not just to me but anyone around. nobody wants to own anyone else even as a friend coz friendship no longer is unconditional and its kind of obligatory otherwise.
no dont get me wrong...we all are friends here...and i m not questioning that...but owning a friendship is distinct from having one...and even tho i have lot of friends here...i m not sure how many i am willing to own.
and that is the saddest part.
now here is an opportunity where i can go out with friends on a vacation to a nearby beach resort...and here i am pondering over the possible excuses so that i dont have to go...
was i ever like that? no i wasnt...
i used to be someone who would at the drop of a hat make programs and make them happen...because i so loved being out...the feeling of getting to know each other better...the feeling of not doing the routine mundane chores...
but taking the ponder-level to a different platform...if somebody would still give me an opportunity like this with my close group of friends in all probability i wont want to find excuses...
have i become so sad...or grown up for that matter that simple things like these dont matter anymore...or is it just another instance where i have not really grown fond of people whom i live with...who are so much part of my life here that we are almost like family
i dont know...but i feel a sudden sad pang hitting me as i wonder about the reasons...maybe i am past that age...when one would just do all these without thinking...coz to me these things are far more significant now...the people i travel with...just to begin with
i m suddenly missing my school friends and school days...coz i would love this trip with them...there would be certain restrictions on things we could do then (which actually was the basic charm of doing them at the first place)...there would be certain rules and regulations (which we would love to break) ...certain places barred from visiting...so that it suddenly makes more sense to be able to announce "been there done that"...:) silly one may say...but those are no longer there anymore...
i am allowed to do everything...even smoke drink...something which i dont see sense in anymore (not that it used to be of great interest to me anyway)
maybe what really prevents me from going to trips like these are the conflicting habits of this peer group...maybe we have known each other too well in too less time...so much that i dont want to know anyone anymore...coz it really doesnt matter...not just to me but anyone around. nobody wants to own anyone else even as a friend coz friendship no longer is unconditional and its kind of obligatory otherwise.
no dont get me wrong...we all are friends here...and i m not questioning that...but owning a friendship is distinct from having one...and even tho i have lot of friends here...i m not sure how many i am willing to own.
and that is the saddest part.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
a special party...A Consortium of Sorts - The First in the series!
i have been thinking of having this special party for all different sort of friends i have made through the journey of life till now...all with whom i share an ever lasting ...never ending friendship...all of whom i may not catch up for the rest of my life but will treasure in my mind for being there for me...when they were...and making it so wonderful...all of who are so distinct that getting them together at a same place and time wouldnt really be that good an idea...but still in my mind i would love to have them interact with each other (to appreciate all the different perspectives they have added to each other's life through me).
it will be a long list and i dont really know if i would be able to cover them al in just one post but i do plan to cover them all no matter what...the list would go on to describe each of them in my special way...think i will take two at a time...to not do injustice to all of my dear friends!
p.s.the list is pretty random and does not follow any particular sequence of when and at what stage of my life they have been there for me. any coincidence on sequencing is unintentional. its been done in a random fashion specifically to ensure that the invitees on the occasion do not form smaller groups among themselves just because they happen to know each other...theidea is to get them know people whom they have just heard about from me and appreciate that...:)
#1. yellowwrapper
...the sunshine in my life...since i dont know when...guess she has been there even before i knew the meaning of a friend...and till now we havent concluded what friendship is all about...thats what our friendship is...i am scared to swear on it...coz one thing we ve learnt with each other in our lives is nothing is final...no matter what...and just when one is sure about it...it just disappears...so i dont swear by it any longer...but treasure it all the more because of it...we have had our set of times when we have not seen eye to eye...but the best thing is that we like to make mistakes and learn to be the best rather than pretending to be perfect friends...
guess if anyone will understand my idea of this special party its her...altho am not sure if she would enjoy the thought of meeting all of whom she has heard about so much at once...maybe the sudden confrontation will make her doubt the uniqueness of each friend she meets here!
#2.ars est celare artem
...the top of the top...thats how he would describe himself...which wont be completely untrue also...considering he does top anything that he sets his mind on. he is of my recent friend...one on whose silliest of silly jokes make me laugh...not because its really funny but because he recites the same in such a humourous way...he hardly likes to listen to me...and feels quite trapped when not given a choice about it...but yet he bears with me. we ve had the toughest times sitting through all the movies we have watched together till date in theatres...and have vowed to not sit through another one as we are jinxed.hehehe.its weird that we would be such good friends considering we are quite opposites in a lot of way...but we are...and even tho i aint sure if he appreciates the differences...i definitely do!
his reaction to such a party would be "kahan phasan rahi hai mujhko...koi babe aa rahi hai kya tere party mein...varna main kya karoonga...hum miltein hain party ke baad"...but unfortunately right now he doesnt have that choice...hehehe
...yet to be concluded
it will be a long list and i dont really know if i would be able to cover them al in just one post but i do plan to cover them all no matter what...the list would go on to describe each of them in my special way...think i will take two at a time...to not do injustice to all of my dear friends!
p.s.the list is pretty random and does not follow any particular sequence of when and at what stage of my life they have been there for me. any coincidence on sequencing is unintentional. its been done in a random fashion specifically to ensure that the invitees on the occasion do not form smaller groups among themselves just because they happen to know each other...theidea is to get them know people whom they have just heard about from me and appreciate that...:)
#1. yellowwrapper
...the sunshine in my life...since i dont know when...guess she has been there even before i knew the meaning of a friend...and till now we havent concluded what friendship is all about...thats what our friendship is...i am scared to swear on it...coz one thing we ve learnt with each other in our lives is nothing is final...no matter what...and just when one is sure about it...it just disappears...so i dont swear by it any longer...but treasure it all the more because of it...we have had our set of times when we have not seen eye to eye...but the best thing is that we like to make mistakes and learn to be the best rather than pretending to be perfect friends...
guess if anyone will understand my idea of this special party its her...altho am not sure if she would enjoy the thought of meeting all of whom she has heard about so much at once...maybe the sudden confrontation will make her doubt the uniqueness of each friend she meets here!
#2.ars est celare artem
...the top of the top...thats how he would describe himself...which wont be completely untrue also...considering he does top anything that he sets his mind on. he is of my recent friend...one on whose silliest of silly jokes make me laugh...not because its really funny but because he recites the same in such a humourous way...he hardly likes to listen to me...and feels quite trapped when not given a choice about it...but yet he bears with me. we ve had the toughest times sitting through all the movies we have watched together till date in theatres...and have vowed to not sit through another one as we are jinxed.hehehe.its weird that we would be such good friends considering we are quite opposites in a lot of way...but we are...and even tho i aint sure if he appreciates the differences...i definitely do!
his reaction to such a party would be "kahan phasan rahi hai mujhko...koi babe aa rahi hai kya tere party mein...varna main kya karoonga...hum miltein hain party ke baad"...but unfortunately right now he doesnt have that choice...hehehe
...yet to be concluded
Saturday, February 04, 2006
nothing matters anymore!!!
so sure that its all sour
isnt anymore from the heart
forever doubting who we are (or were)
coz nothing matters anymore!!!
...i know its a sad version of a beautiful song...but guess most beautiful things...feelings...relationships...songs have to turn awry at some stage...the beauty just fails to stay on...wish it would though (sigh!)
isnt anymore from the heart
forever doubting who we are (or were)
coz nothing matters anymore!!!
...i know its a sad version of a beautiful song...but guess most beautiful things...feelings...relationships...songs have to turn awry at some stage...the beauty just fails to stay on...wish it would though (sigh!)
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Just why?
i had vowed to myself that i wouldnt bother...and yet again i did...why??? and i have no answer for myself...no it doesnt make me feel any bit of happiness to know things at ur end are bad...but i am sorry to say painting a sad picture of yourself doesnt make any inroads to my heart...in fact i quite despise that!
and once again i feel sorry that i have mistaken you to be a strong individual...i think it was one of the first few traits that i have appreciated in you...that u are strong...and no i dont mean strong people dont get hurt...or are not sensitive...or emotional...what i mean by strong people is that they dont win sympathy and pity by portraying themselves in a sad state...maybe i get you wrong but thats what i get of you these days. for once i dont even feel like apologising.
i still wonder at times why u had to prove me so wrong by being someone i never thought u could be!...yea once again...i get no answer
and once again i swear that i wont let this bother me!!!
and once again i feel sorry that i have mistaken you to be a strong individual...i think it was one of the first few traits that i have appreciated in you...that u are strong...and no i dont mean strong people dont get hurt...or are not sensitive...or emotional...what i mean by strong people is that they dont win sympathy and pity by portraying themselves in a sad state...maybe i get you wrong but thats what i get of you these days. for once i dont even feel like apologising.
i still wonder at times why u had to prove me so wrong by being someone i never thought u could be!...yea once again...i get no answer
and once again i swear that i wont let this bother me!!!
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