is it because i am who i am?

sometimes i feel strange and weird that i have changed such a lot...
now here is an opportunity where i can go out with friends on a vacation to a nearby beach resort...and here i am pondering over the possible excuses so that i dont have to go...

was i ever like that? no i wasnt...

i used to be someone who would at the drop of a hat make programs and make them happen...because i so loved being out...the feeling of getting to know each other better...the feeling of not doing the routine mundane chores...

but taking the ponder-level to a different platform...if somebody would still give me an opportunity like this with my close group of friends in all probability i wont want to find excuses...

have i become so sad...or grown up for that matter that simple things like these dont matter anymore...or is it just another instance where i have not really grown fond of people whom i live with...who are so much part of my life here that we are almost like family

i dont know...but i feel a sudden sad pang hitting me as i wonder about the reasons...maybe i am past that age...when one would just do all these without thinking...coz to me these things are far more significant now...the people i travel with...just to begin with

i m suddenly missing my school friends and school days...coz i would love this trip with them...there would be certain restrictions on things we could do then (which actually was the basic charm of doing them at the first place)...there would be certain rules and regulations (which we would love to break) ...certain places barred from visiting...so that it suddenly makes more sense to be able to announce "been there done that"...:) silly one may say...but those are no longer there anymore...
i am allowed to do everything...even smoke drink...something which i dont see sense in anymore (not that it used to be of great interest to me anyway)

maybe what really prevents me from going to trips like these are the conflicting habits of this peer group...maybe we have known each other too well in too less time...so much that i dont want to know anyone anymore...coz it really doesnt matter...not just to me but anyone around. nobody wants to own anyone else even as a friend coz friendship no longer is unconditional and its kind of obligatory otherwise.

no dont get me wrong...we all are friends here...and i m not questioning that...but owning a friendship is distinct from having one...and even tho i have lot of friends here...i m not sure how many i am willing to own.

and that is the saddest part.