un-mind-less-ness

since the past three days havent been getting sound sleep...i wonder why...and because of the exhaustion i have become very restless.

cant really figure out the reasons why...

really felt like catching up with u...over a cup of coffee...laughing over silly jokes which hardly ever made sense...making a plan to initiate our own endeavor...something that would be our idea and plan...something that nobody can duplicate...its been quite long that we did something like that...i m sure wont ever pair up for that kind of fun in future...wish that i had a time machine...would ve visited that time and place once again today...but again like i said once to u...life always moves ahead...if only it could have moved backwards....

after a long time played sports as part of tournament as a mixed doubles team...thats the only good part about the last three days that we won the first two matches.

winning is addictive...that is one reason why i just dont want to win sometimes...thats one reason why i dont much like the concept of a competition in life...i dont want to get into the viscious circle of winning...i want to be casual...and wining once compels me to lose my complacent attitude...it forces me to outdo myself...it builds up that pressure and anticipated burden of failure...which makes life a rat race...which utlimately doesnt even let me enjoy the fun of being a deserving winner...whatever

u know subconsciously i am not making any efforts to connect to you...and i am sharing some guilt for that...but you know for once i am tired of making that constant effort to stay in touch...why you also dont feel like talking to me so many times...you also just fail to acknowlege that i exist so many times...so many times that this one time i want to not exist...coz i somehow dont see reason in being there whenever you call up...incidentally (unfortunately) this one time i am going through a tough crisis because of which i actually havent been 'connected' to a lot many friends that i stay in touch with...but with you...a bit of me is just failing to connect...and for once i dont want to feel sorry for this.