little bit of conversation...

m missing that little bit of conversation that has become so much a part of my life...guess this is the first clue to what tomorrow is going to be like...

struggling to deal with it within....very calm at the outset though...isnt that what reflects a strong character...

there are few things which i would like to tell you...but somehow i have a feeling wont get around to telling you...

i treasured your company while you were here and in spite of knowing you as well to know that you wont bother tomorrow about where and how i am, i am glad i made a friend like you at this strange place.

would ve been happier if these last two three days would be able to spend some more time with you...but as i see it...its not really happening. sadly i understand that as well so m not complaining...still.

drunk and high :D...at the "Final Orgy"

i am still overwhelmed

was drunk and high...on dance and music yesterday at the "Final Orgy" (for the uninitiated that was the theme of the party we gave to our seniors who leave campus five days from now)

i dont know what it was...but i was happy and sad at the same time with such an intensity...it was actually amazing

dunno between the music...dancing...talking...smiling...enjoying
something very strange and strong hit me...suddenly it hit me that i dont believe in love...a love that remains for life...that people say lasts forever...no i dont think there exists any feeling like that...no i m not being cynical while saying this.

i do think that there is this magical feeling which makes u heady...makes u want to do things for someone else...to make him happy...but that is very shortlived...and before u realise it its just dead egg...there isnt much left of it.

putting it a little simply i dont think i will ever love somebody like that...coz there is this fear within me that i cant love people...because of whatever reasons.

something within hurt real bad...with this realisation. but it was such a final realisation that i was dumbfounded.

i dont know why this feeling came to my mind...

i think i am afraid to love anyone anymore...of losing a good friend when the love fades away...so i would rather not cross that line...coz at the end of it all i dont want to lose another friend...have already lost my share of friends.

made me feel really lonely and lost for that moment.

bitter sweet memory

every friend like you is a bitter sweet memory in my life

before you came,
life was good, happy and usual
wasnt missing anything much

and then u came
with a spontaneous and careless attitude
with some spare time in this busy busy world
with some jokes to share
some trivia, some stories,
some gossip, rarely inner most fears and tribulations
but yet those rare times added so much...

didnt realise when we became such good friends
sharing small bits and pieces of what life offered us everyday
laughing...teasing...demanding...expecting
(isnt that the usual phenomenon no matter how many times u have gone through it)
didnt realise when and how caring for you became spontaneous
has it occurred to anyone why we suddenly are ready to bet on our lives for some people
yes scary but true...
you became as important
dont know why it never was a botheration to spend time with you
conversations came easily...so did smiles

and before the realisation that friendship came naturally to us
reality hit again...
time for you to leave
yet again....why???
(how many times will life teach me the same lesson...why me?)

yes you will leave
and with that another chapter would end...
yes i will miss u...more than you would know...
and by now i know how to deal with it.
so no worries will smile through even this.

and yes i will keep in touch...
but can things be just the same
no! i no longer think like that

and you will go
just like all others do

but somethings remain
they refuse to change

thats the beauty of a bitter sweet memory
its always a tad sweeter than the bitter bit.

:)

perfect holiday :)

a perfect day after a long time

woke up at 11.30 am...sleepily switched the laptop on...and watched the last bit of Roman Holiday...another amazing movie...especially after yesterday's spectacular performances in pride and prejudice...fell in love with Mr. Darcy after watching the movie...(no again havent read the book before)

have missed a lot of reading and movies till now...and i am glad that i m making up for all that...

had made up my mind in the morning itself that i m not going to study one bit...have kept up with it

then had a very candid chat session with someone whom i never thought i could...surprises like that conversation pop up so suddenly in life...that somewhere in your mind feel reassured that there will always be someone somewhere who will understand you a bit more than u think they can...confessed a whole lot of stuff in front of him...and felt nice...really nice!

so much so that practically didnt sleep or eat or do anything else till almost evening...when suddenly realised that if i dont eat i might just faint...lol. so after a quick shower...ate at the mess.

after that began the whole evening of being at peace with myself with so many different songs...beautiful songs if i may call them...was such a light evening with so much of happiness...difficult to capture in mere words...:) (discovered the wonderful song "rendevous" by craig david thanks to one of my friend)

today was a perfect day coz i spend it with myself more than anyone else... and this just till the evening!

strange encounters

the music in the background was the only sound in the room...yet there was no awkwardness...she smiled away to herself. Deep within she was trying to figure out something that would make him feel a little better than what he was feeling. he was lying on the bed just behind her chair listening to music. life hasnt been exactly fair to him lately and he has been strong throughout.dont think she could have seen him breaking down.

sometimes she questions herself as to why does she care so much for him. why does she bother. but she knows she does care. although tomorrow once again situations might change and maybe she wont bother so much, but today...yes today she does care for many small small things...more than he would ever know

so with the music, she decides to break the silence by arbit questions...about career, life relationships...about success, failures and milestones. she isnt too sure if he is even bothering to listen to what she is blabbbering away...but she doesnt mind that...dunno why. i think as long as he is peaceful at the outset she wont really mind anything.

the problem is he is kinda disturbed within. yes she could feel it. doesnt how to tell him though that she understands and yet not understand it completely. when he says "you know i think i cant really love anyone" she feels like giving him that assuring hug that its just not true! she surely doesnt second his belief.

"you know i want you to just lie down beside me" this does take her by surprise. she doesnt get it. no she doesnt see any lust in his eyes...yet she doesnt know how to react. no she wasnt scared also. she just fails to see reason. why would he feel like that. surely he doesnt see her as a prospective...or does he. but no she cant be wrong his eyes dont tell her that.

there is this longing in his eyes...to make himself believe that he can love someone.maybe thats his way of proving to himself that he is not completely incapable of loving...yes he even says that aloud "i think i am like a dog, i need someone close enough to express my affection"

Her heart goes out to him, but being the stuck up herself doesnt let go of her apprehensions of lying down next to a guy...after all the he-she mechanics cant be ignored or can it???

strangely this doesnt make them awkward. he drifts off to sleep. she doesnt think otherwise of him.

for an instant he seems like a kid to her, who just wants to hold his dear pet tight before drifting into sleep. she wants to kiss his forehead and put him off to sleep, just by staying close to him. she does nothing of the sort.

and suddenly there is a jerk...she realises that she had drifted off to sleep long before any of this happened.

yes strange encounters have a way of touching our lives in the strangest of ways.

Thank you but no thank you!

i have realised that i dont want to have friends in life who lack basic respect for my other friends...that i can tolerate a lot of things when it comes to friends but this one thing goes beyond me...

i think its ok for my friends to dislike each other...its impossible to get everyone to like each other...but for my own sake i would like to believe that my friends would realise that each one is a very unique individual and just because i am candid about them doesnt mean i can tolerate any kind of humilaition directed at them (specially in front of me)...

this aint the first time i have come across this...i had the toughest time in the past trying to figure out what gives anyone a right to offend my friends as a gesture of concern for me...guess that is one thing i wouldnt even expect from my parents...forget friends...and all i have to say for that is "thank you very much! but you know what i can take care of myself"...and yes there are no two ways about it

although i just fail to see reason why anyone would even attempt that. is it that difficult to make that effort to be friendly to your friend's friend...guess that really comes naturally to me unless someone gives me a reason to be otherwise

i dont know why it puts me off so much...this kind of behavior...i dont know why it scares me so much...makes all the efforts i take willingly for my friends seem so useless...

i dont know if it is that important to ponder over so much...

its just that i always find this a little difficult to deal with...and such experiences make me believe that i should never mix friends...although i would like to!

the inevitable "gradetalk"

i hate the time of the term when grades come out...no i dont hate the thought of knowing my grades...its the inevitable gradetalk that follows that i cant stand...

you may ask why?

i believe that grades are no benchmarks of how successful one will be in life. but thats secondary...

the primary reason being that suddenly everyone starts doubting each other...and few their own capabilities...while some are obviously ecstatic...and suddenly everyone is explaining and justifying who they are...giving reasons why they fared what they did

no that is not to say that i completely ignore grades...i havent mastered that level till now...

we blame everyone but ourselves for the same...and i dont see what good it can do to blame it all on ourselves as well...

basically i think its a complete waste of time...and should not be given the kind of magnified importance that it gets by default...

wont it make greater sense if we would concentrate on the learnings rather the grades...maybe tom when we are stuck with problems in real life, the learnings would help in solving those.

untitled

saw two masterpieces in the two days...

"Its a wonderful Life" by Frank Capra
"Fiddler on the Roof"

...cried while watching both...in fact sobbed literally in the first one. But guess some tears are worth the trouble...

random thinking!!!

i dunno why i am so angry...and bugged...and bored...that i dont feel like saying anything to anyone anymore.

but why are people so insensitive to other people...is something i just fail to understand...does it take so much to just let others be...

i dunno...maybe would never know...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

have you ever felt trapped in the conversation of two people...when it is because of the third person that you are with the two anyways? when it is that third person that you feel like spending some time with...

the time you are trying to comprehend what to do to excuse yourself from their conversation is all lost when suddenly like a jerk you just dont want to do anything...

and worse is you walk back with the two with whom you were feeling trapped at the first place...leaving the third one behind...coz suddenly the only option left with you is to be alone...

and then you suddenly realise that your own company is the best company at times...and love yourself for it :)

p.s. this comes on a day when you have been thoroughly BORED with life in general

Monday Mourning Blues :)

dint know that Monday Mourning Blues could cheer me up to this extent...but it has...for the uninitiated this was the theme of the party that is still on outside my room...with glaring music rocking my windows...i seem to be enjoying...so much so that i just couldnt help writing :)

life is mostly beautiful...sunny and cheerful...i have always believed this deep within.

guys will be just guys...till when???

i have realised that no matter what guys will just remain guys...
and the more i get to know them the more i want to like them but the truth is that i detest them more...and they are so natural in being who they are sometimes i just even know who to blame?

And they know it too...because of which they just dont want to project this in front of friends (especially when they are girls) coz girls just wont understand...and i agree i dont...most of the times...

and they lose respect...so much of it...without much fault of their own...

no, dont get me wrong

i m trying my best to not be judgemental (read: trying to get into the mindset of a guy)

but somewhere it just fails to connect... can i accept this about them???

maybe i can as long as i m just a friend...but beyond that it just escapes me completely

maybe thats part of the reason why i wont ever trust any guy completely...(at least deep within my heart i wont).

thoroughly mundane

wake up at 8.15 am
take the hurried shower
reach class on time
make presentation...rather stand beside your group who is presenting...

answer few questions
(what the hell...why do we bother answering those questions...those answers are known to everybody...isnt it...
is anybody bothered about the questions in my mind...will anybody think about answering them???)
.
.
.
.
.

move on...
and somewhere within my mind, suddenly there is this restlessness...this confusion...this sudden repulsive-ness...this aimlessness...
.
.
.
.
.

why! how!
.
.
.
.
.

the day was pretty mundane...right!!!

then why the hell am i feeling so lost suddenly?

no longer...

i m feeling miserable...and extremely guilty of being who i am right now...

but if i am feeling the way i am about going back home is it actually my fault?

yes its true i dont feel like goin home...not because i dont want to meet anyone but because home has changed so much...i picturise home as the same one which i had left some 9 months ago...same locality...same comfort...same independence...same people...same space

but home has somehow lost all its meaning since i ve been here...i miss being at home here which i have been accustomed to but its a killing feeling when being bac at home also i miss being at home...there are so many things that i have to do...coz i am expected to...

no longer can i be at peace with myself coz of the various things every single person dear to me expects from me while i m there...and if i deviate from any of that...i dread hearing how i have changed and how its not important to me anymore...

no longer can i just laze around watching tv...the way i used to...without bothering about how mumma papa will not be expecting this from me...

no longer can i just venture out on my own...the way i m used to at home coz that raises so many doubts in everyone's mind about why am i not mixing with anyone...but god damn it...thats why i loved home coz it used to let me be...coz every morning i dint have to think why i should do what i am doing...

no longer can i venture out for a movie alone coz that makes me a loner of sorts who isnt social enough to care about the sentiments of others...

no longer can i catch a cup of coffee with myself at a ccd...coz it requires to be known to everyone where i am...

i dunno why i dread goin back home...i hate myself for saying this but i dunno why i cant just pretend its not like that anymore...i hate myself for seeing the hurt in their eyes all the while fighting for my own space while i m there...i hate myself for not being the good daughter that i m expected to be...which i have never been...i hate myself for being the burden i feel i am...on everyone...more than that i hate myself for not being able to pretend that i am very happy...i just cant pretend being myself at home...no matter how much i try.

maybe i have become too materialistic in my outlook...i dunno how to deal with this...

and i confess i am not one the best daughters to have for my parents...

i wish i could understand this...or even help it...

i wish someone could just swish a magic wand and make things the way it was before...how i wish...