no longer...

i m feeling miserable...and extremely guilty of being who i am right now...

but if i am feeling the way i am about going back home is it actually my fault?

yes its true i dont feel like goin home...not because i dont want to meet anyone but because home has changed so much...i picturise home as the same one which i had left some 9 months ago...same locality...same comfort...same independence...same people...same space

but home has somehow lost all its meaning since i ve been here...i miss being at home here which i have been accustomed to but its a killing feeling when being bac at home also i miss being at home...there are so many things that i have to do...coz i am expected to...

no longer can i be at peace with myself coz of the various things every single person dear to me expects from me while i m there...and if i deviate from any of that...i dread hearing how i have changed and how its not important to me anymore...

no longer can i just laze around watching tv...the way i used to...without bothering about how mumma papa will not be expecting this from me...

no longer can i just venture out on my own...the way i m used to at home coz that raises so many doubts in everyone's mind about why am i not mixing with anyone...but god damn it...thats why i loved home coz it used to let me be...coz every morning i dint have to think why i should do what i am doing...

no longer can i venture out for a movie alone coz that makes me a loner of sorts who isnt social enough to care about the sentiments of others...

no longer can i catch a cup of coffee with myself at a ccd...coz it requires to be known to everyone where i am...

i dunno why i dread goin back home...i hate myself for saying this but i dunno why i cant just pretend its not like that anymore...i hate myself for seeing the hurt in their eyes all the while fighting for my own space while i m there...i hate myself for not being the good daughter that i m expected to be...which i have never been...i hate myself for being the burden i feel i am...on everyone...more than that i hate myself for not being able to pretend that i am very happy...i just cant pretend being myself at home...no matter how much i try.

maybe i have become too materialistic in my outlook...i dunno how to deal with this...

and i confess i am not one the best daughters to have for my parents...

i wish i could understand this...or even help it...

i wish someone could just swish a magic wand and make things the way it was before...how i wish...