an untimely farewell!
i guess sooner or later this would have happened...and i knew i would come to terms with it!
so its time to bid u a farewell
without even saying a final goodbye!
no matter where life takes me
there will be those moments short[lived] with you...
that will linger
and though short of words
i do want to thank you
you did add a lot of meaning in the short run
...more than u would understand ever
and anyways
the concept of a long run is a misnomer
like some great economist said
"in the long run we are all dead!"
make the most of the short run we call life!
[:)]
Friday, December 29, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
at every corner, at every bend
at every corner
at every bend
there is a
shining star
for you to fend
to release you
from your worries
and to defend...
at every corner
at every bend
there is a
surprise
waiting
to be opened
to refresh
your mind
and lend you
your smile
at every corner
at every bend
there is
always always
that friend
on whom you can depend
who will always
have some time
to spend
who will remind you
over and over again
life is
about mirth
about laughter
about fun
that
its about all those
simple small things
that never really end
:)
at every bend
there is a
shining star
for you to fend
to release you
from your worries
and to defend...
at every corner
at every bend
there is a
surprise
waiting
to be opened
to refresh
your mind
and lend you
your smile
at every corner
at every bend
there is
always always
that friend
on whom you can depend
who will always
have some time
to spend
who will remind you
over and over again
life is
about mirth
about laughter
about fun
that
its about all those
simple small things
that never really end
:)
restlessness...
i m restless
and
impatient!
and cant pin it down to any one reason.
haven't you ever felt at times
that the answer you are looking for
is lurking somewhere very close to u...
that the convincing reason is
just under your nose and u can't fathom what
on earth it could be...
and
impatient!
and cant pin it down to any one reason.
haven't you ever felt at times
that the answer you are looking for
is lurking somewhere very close to u...
that the convincing reason is
just under your nose and u can't fathom what
on earth it could be...
Thursday, December 14, 2006
the suspended bit ;)
its difficult for me to not talk about something that i m so kicked about!
and i don't even know why this something within me is compelling to keep mum about it.
and when one has to keep something at bay from everyone...isnt that the only thing that comes to one's mind again and again and again.
its like a suspense thriller...waiting for the climax bit to happen...
[clap and chuckle :P]
i dont know what the climax would be...i dont care but i like this suspense bit...[:P] so typical me!
I had quite an experience last night!
[thats the only bit i am ready to divulge as of now]
p.s. Today's fortune:
The star of riches is shining upon you...
[ha ha ha]
and i don't even know why this something within me is compelling to keep mum about it.
and when one has to keep something at bay from everyone...isnt that the only thing that comes to one's mind again and again and again.
its like a suspense thriller...waiting for the climax bit to happen...
[clap and chuckle :P]
i dont know what the climax would be...i dont care but i like this suspense bit...[:P] so typical me!
I had quite an experience last night!
[thats the only bit i am ready to divulge as of now]
p.s. Today's fortune:
The star of riches is shining upon you...
[ha ha ha]
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
about yellow flowers and chocolate desserts!
getting a yellow flower kind of does brighten up my mood
way beyond that i can imagine [:)]
just thought would make a note of this too!
p.s. and so does a double chocolate snowball [:P]
way beyond that i can imagine [:)]
just thought would make a note of this too!
p.s. and so does a double chocolate snowball [:P]
the unbearable lightness of being!
today is one of those good days [:)]
when you finally decide to give yourself a break because you know you sort of deserve it.
when you feel lightheaded about the lot of things which are off your mind...though temporarily
when you talk your heart out [more listen the heart out of dear friends] about schools and stuff...times which have long gone past us...maybe never to return again...
when you laugh and laugh and laugh about all the silly things that u did...about how you discovered the story of the bird and the bees [:P]
when you realise that life is worth more than wondering about the one him who doesnt bother much about you anyways
when you dont deliberately try to be indifferent to issues you have been finding a difficult time dealing with off late
when suddenly you feel like acknowledging yourself and giving a pat on your back for the wonderful person you are
when you hold to right now because essentially speaking there is all that is up to you anyways [:D]
when you fear the future but suddenly give up on that knowing that there is a greater bigger power somewhere within who is taking care...will do always
amen!
when you finally decide to give yourself a break because you know you sort of deserve it.
when you feel lightheaded about the lot of things which are off your mind...though temporarily
when you talk your heart out [more listen the heart out of dear friends] about schools and stuff...times which have long gone past us...maybe never to return again...
when you laugh and laugh and laugh about all the silly things that u did...about how you discovered the story of the bird and the bees [:P]
when you realise that life is worth more than wondering about the one him who doesnt bother much about you anyways
when you dont deliberately try to be indifferent to issues you have been finding a difficult time dealing with off late
when suddenly you feel like acknowledging yourself and giving a pat on your back for the wonderful person you are
when you hold to right now because essentially speaking there is all that is up to you anyways [:D]
when you fear the future but suddenly give up on that knowing that there is a greater bigger power somewhere within who is taking care...will do always
amen!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
HBDY [:)]
i am not a person of few words
and so
sometimes i refrain from saying
anything at all.
but that doesnt mean i
dont have anything to say!
today
i
wish for you
wishes of a special kind
today
take a break for a while
and just smile
[:)]
i dont know
why i am at a loss
for words
guess some wishes
are just too difficult
to express!
today
spare some time
dazzle and shine
life is so short
dont get too caught
with trivialities all around
today
forget all else
just be yourself
here's a toast
to the you that i knew
for a day or two
let joy and cheer reverberate
have fun. celebrate!
[:)]
p.s. happy birthday dear you!
and so
sometimes i refrain from saying
anything at all.
but that doesnt mean i
dont have anything to say!
today
i
wish for you
wishes of a special kind
today
take a break for a while
and just smile
[:)]
i dont know
why i am at a loss
for words
guess some wishes
are just too difficult
to express!
today
spare some time
dazzle and shine
life is so short
dont get too caught
with trivialities all around
today
forget all else
just be yourself
here's a toast
to the you that i knew
for a day or two
let joy and cheer reverberate
have fun. celebrate!
[:)]
p.s. happy birthday dear you!
Sunday, November 26, 2006
better off or worse off!
i wonder at times if knowing you has made me better off or worse off!
i rule out worse off to begin with.
i definitely haven't been worse off knowing you
you have made me believe so much in life...again.
brought back so much i had lost...in time
but am i giving you undue credit...hasn't that been me all along!
knowing you doesn't really make me any better off at this point in life!
well...there is a you...but where???
i look for you at times
to share a hi...a smile...some trivia about life
simple things...
but hey you are never there...so who is this you i keep talking to?
essentially noone!
you are just a perception in my mind...
and this perception isn't even close to who you are
or
rather have been past few weeks.
so does that make me any better off?
i wonder [n not question still]
what god had in mind when it made our paths cross again!
because logically speaking
i cant see any sense in it!
i rule out worse off to begin with.
i definitely haven't been worse off knowing you
you have made me believe so much in life...again.
brought back so much i had lost...in time
but am i giving you undue credit...hasn't that been me all along!
knowing you doesn't really make me any better off at this point in life!
well...there is a you...but where???
i look for you at times
to share a hi...a smile...some trivia about life
simple things...
but hey you are never there...so who is this you i keep talking to?
essentially noone!
you are just a perception in my mind...
and this perception isn't even close to who you are
or
rather have been past few weeks.
so does that make me any better off?
i wonder [n not question still]
what god had in mind when it made our paths cross again!
because logically speaking
i cant see any sense in it!
Saturday, November 25, 2006
i dont get them :(
here i feel i am an alien at times.like i am stuck between wrong people at the wrong time.why me?
ok i know that in life aint fair and all of that.
and i promised myself i wont question too much
buy why me ya! [:(]
ok i know that in life aint fair and all of that.
and i promised myself i wont question too much
buy why me ya! [:(]
Sunday, November 19, 2006
lots to believe in...
there is something about these movies that makes me believe so much more life...myself.
its difficult to explain really and i am not even sure how far i would remember the impact they have had somewhere deep within.
maybe the quotes from the movies that i just saw would do some justice.
American Beauty
[last lines]
I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.
Shawshank Redemption [a MUST watch]
"...Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget. Forget that there are places in the world that aren't made out of stone. That there's a - there's a - there's something inside that's yours, that they can't touch."
"That's the beauty of music. They can't take that away from you."
"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."
"Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
[last lines]
I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope. "
its difficult to explain really and i am not even sure how far i would remember the impact they have had somewhere deep within.
maybe the quotes from the movies that i just saw would do some justice.
American Beauty
[last lines]
I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.
Shawshank Redemption [a MUST watch]
"...Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget. Forget that there are places in the world that aren't made out of stone. That there's a - there's a - there's something inside that's yours, that they can't touch."
"That's the beauty of music. They can't take that away from you."
"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."
"Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
[last lines]
I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope. "
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
blank!
tears rolling down randomly
...triggered by i dont know what.
suddenly everything is bleak.
darkness without any sight of that twinkling star.
a long stretch of dry parched desert without any hope of a droplet of water.
a bag full of letters suddenly with a complete memory loss of how words are formed.
...thats what i m feeling right now!
...triggered by i dont know what.
suddenly everything is bleak.
darkness without any sight of that twinkling star.
a long stretch of dry parched desert without any hope of a droplet of water.
a bag full of letters suddenly with a complete memory loss of how words are formed.
...thats what i m feeling right now!
Monday, November 13, 2006
Here i am
Lost in the ashes of time
But who owns tomorrow ...
[lyrics of the song playing in the background
p.s. i love the song]
so much to write for today...
[sigh..] for a simple wish of having a cup of good coffee
and even not getting that wish fr today!
seems strange no...but sometimes the simplest of wishes are
the most difficult to get.
[smile :P] for a walking buddy's offer of coffee just after the sigh...and two more offers for the same after they read my msn message...[all smiles :D]
[happy] for catching up with you. a friend who has been there for always.
just a reassurance that i havent lost too much of myself in the melee of growing up.
a refreshing feeling of i am who i am...and its okay to be me! a feeling of being listened to with a choice and not because of no choice. sometimes thats all you could want from a friend.to listen without judging.
you are my mate and i will stand by you
[thats the song thats now playing :) and so apt fr this dear friend of mine...i must say]
[:s jitters] for the placement process thats about to begin. with the CV formats in place very soon will be running around filling the objective amongst all others in that...
and i love p for the logic she gave me about it...okay so people you have to hear this
m: i have to write objective for my cv...n i dont have one p: trust me..no one does! m: hahahah
[wink ;) grin grin]
Lost in the ashes of time
But who owns tomorrow ...
[lyrics of the song playing in the background
p.s. i love the song]
so much to write for today...
[sigh..] for a simple wish of having a cup of good coffee
and even not getting that wish fr today!
seems strange no...but sometimes the simplest of wishes are
the most difficult to get.
[smile :P] for a walking buddy's offer of coffee just after the sigh...and two more offers for the same after they read my msn message...[all smiles :D]
[happy] for catching up with you. a friend who has been there for always.
just a reassurance that i havent lost too much of myself in the melee of growing up.
a refreshing feeling of i am who i am...and its okay to be me! a feeling of being listened to with a choice and not because of no choice. sometimes thats all you could want from a friend.to listen without judging.
you are my mate and i will stand by you
[thats the song thats now playing :) and so apt fr this dear friend of mine...i must say]
[:s jitters] for the placement process thats about to begin. with the CV formats in place very soon will be running around filling the objective amongst all others in that...
and i love p for the logic she gave me about it...okay so people you have to hear this
m: i have to write objective for my cv...n i dont have one
the only ones who ve objectives in life are the miss worlds..whos only obj is she wants world peace!
yo!
thats definitely making me feel glad that i dont have one
[wink ;) grin grin]
Saturday, November 11, 2006
it takes a real friend...
it really takes a friend to understand me when i am angry
and true friends like them are hard to find!
and true friends like them are hard to find!
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
its worth the glance!
Today
i caught myself
glancing at the lines
on my palm…
destiny…
isn’t what that is!
i might not
rely on destiny
but I am not a non believer!
couldn’t really escape
that one question
who will he be
where is he now
i don’t really know
if ever I will
find him
but i know
somewhere within
a faith is restored
a belief refreshed
that along the journey
of life
our paths will cross
…he will be unveiled
call it faith
call it dream
call it hope
call it destiny!
it really doesn’t matter!
as long as
it makes me
believe a little bit more
…in life and such things
i would say
its worth the glance!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
to all those...
this post is dedicated to some guys who stand out from the crowd not because they are special but because they specialise in rather nasty things...things like spilling over some bitterness on to simple smiles in daily lives...like passing some snide remarks about people they hardly know and getting a sadistic pleasure by ruining the happiness thereby...like being out there over and again to just prove their point...and ladies and gentlemen...their point being that the world is really dumb in front of them...
so here it goes...for all those guys who love to do this...this post here is to let you know that you don't matter...that life is quite worthwhile otherwise...and mere mortals like us dont even consider you worthy enough to spoil our days over...and that no matter how much you try you never really will get the better of us.period.
thankyou!
(for the applause :P)
so here it goes...for all those guys who love to do this...this post here is to let you know that you don't matter...that life is quite worthwhile otherwise...and mere mortals like us dont even consider you worthy enough to spoil our days over...and that no matter how much you try you never really will get the better of us.period.
thankyou!
(for the applause :P)
Saturday, October 28, 2006
unreality!
somethings just noboby ever can understand...
i want to talk...but i am speechless...dont know how to begin my conversation
i am overwhelmed...tired...delirious...exhausted...
almost numb and dead...one could say
but still i want to talk
...
about how i was hoping that today comes...about how i feared that things wont fall in place...about how really much it means although i think i dint give in my 100 percent to it...about how unbelievable it all seems now...about how it felt last night standing at the ground watching the smiles on everyones faces...about how i am happy but yet i have tears in my eyes
about how this is also just a momentary feeling...about how even this aint gonna stay...three months of hard work and just three days of getting done with it...
yes i want to talk...
even though its early still...even though the last is yet to get over ...
i want to talk
...dont know what to say
...and to whom!
somethings nobody will ever understand...just cant!
i want to talk...but i am speechless...dont know how to begin my conversation
i am overwhelmed...tired...delirious...exhausted...
almost numb and dead...one could say
but still i want to talk
...
about how i was hoping that today comes...about how i feared that things wont fall in place...about how really much it means although i think i dint give in my 100 percent to it...about how unbelievable it all seems now...about how it felt last night standing at the ground watching the smiles on everyones faces...about how i am happy but yet i have tears in my eyes
about how this is also just a momentary feeling...about how even this aint gonna stay...three months of hard work and just three days of getting done with it...
yes i want to talk...
even though its early still...even though the last is yet to get over ...
i want to talk
...dont know what to say
...and to whom!
somethings nobody will ever understand...just cant!
Friday, October 20, 2006
gone are those days ...
its strange
Its Diwali today!
and there is no feel of it absolutely...
gone are the days
...when Diwali was awaited long before it was here
with the diwali safai...all the old memories were refreshed
by cleaning up almirahs and drawers...
where small notes and gifts
used to be found...
when worn out old clothes - that dont fit anymore
but were very dear for no particular reason, &
when brand new clothes that were hidden from moms -
came out in the open
when me n c used to sneak into the love notes
of ma and pa :)
when the age old guitar and harmonium and mouth organ
were redicovered and with it
a new resolve - to learn at least one of them - was renewed!
when diwali meant a lot of sweets...
the suhali, petha, bhujia...and the mom's speciality dal ka halwa
the plates of sweets shared with the neighbours as part of ritual
same sweets...yet sharing them was so important
it all made it so much more sweeter :)
when diwali meant a lot of crackers...
phuljhari, chakri, anar, chocolate bombs, aloo bombs, rockets, mashaal and the sad taar
all which were got beforehand...put out in dhoop
to get best results from them...
the planning of which drum would burst...
the difficult wait for the D-day to burst all of them...
the star filled anaar...which fascinated me always always
when diwali meant a lot of puja...
preparations of which began three days prior
the rangoli...the sweets...the selection of diyas...
the shopping of the new ganeshji & laxmiji idols...
the last minute drawing and coloring of the paper
which would become god in due time...
[strange how i never questioned that all these years
and suddenly my understanding of God refuses to accept things so simply]
the flower decorations...the dressing up of ourselves
the new set of clothes...one for puja and another for lighting the crackers...
...
when diwali was more than just an occasion
...it used to be a celebration of relationships...love and ...prosperity
diwali used to be much much more...
when wishing a diwali wasnt a compulsion...it was heartfelt...
when the mobile phones, gtalks and orkuts didnt exist...
yet wishes reached everyone...
gone are those days...
and today its Diwali...again
and its feeling very very strange!
Its Diwali today!
and there is no feel of it absolutely...
gone are the days
...when Diwali was awaited long before it was here
with the diwali safai...all the old memories were refreshed
by cleaning up almirahs and drawers...
where small notes and gifts
used to be found...
when worn out old clothes - that dont fit anymore
but were very dear for no particular reason, &
when brand new clothes that were hidden from moms -
came out in the open
when me n c used to sneak into the love notes
of ma and pa :)
when the age old guitar and harmonium and mouth organ
were redicovered and with it
a new resolve - to learn at least one of them - was renewed!
when diwali meant a lot of sweets...
the suhali, petha, bhujia...and the mom's speciality dal ka halwa
the plates of sweets shared with the neighbours as part of ritual
same sweets...yet sharing them was so important
it all made it so much more sweeter :)
when diwali meant a lot of crackers...
phuljhari, chakri, anar, chocolate bombs, aloo bombs, rockets, mashaal and the sad taar
all which were got beforehand...put out in dhoop
to get best results from them...
the planning of which drum would burst...
the difficult wait for the D-day to burst all of them...
the star filled anaar...which fascinated me always always
when diwali meant a lot of puja...
preparations of which began three days prior
the rangoli...the sweets...the selection of diyas...
the shopping of the new ganeshji & laxmiji idols...
the last minute drawing and coloring of the paper
which would become god in due time...
[strange how i never questioned that all these years
and suddenly my understanding of God refuses to accept things so simply]
the flower decorations...the dressing up of ourselves
the new set of clothes...one for puja and another for lighting the crackers...
...
when diwali was more than just an occasion
...it used to be a celebration of relationships...love and ...prosperity
diwali used to be much much more...
when wishing a diwali wasnt a compulsion...it was heartfelt...
when the mobile phones, gtalks and orkuts didnt exist...
yet wishes reached everyone...
gone are those days...
and today its Diwali...again
and its feeling very very strange!
Deepawali ki shubhkamnayen un sabhi ko :)!
jaane kyon aaj dil kar raha hai
ki is shubh avsar mein
un sabhi ko yaad karoon
un sabhi ko
...jinke liye mere paas kabhi sahi shabd nahin honge
...jinko jitna kaha jaye kam hai
un sabhi ko...
deepawali ki hardik subhkamnayen!!!
ki is shubh avsar mein
un sabhi ko yaad karoon
un sabhi ko
...jinke liye mere paas kabhi sahi shabd nahin honge
...jinko jitna kaha jaye kam hai
un sabhi ko...
deepawali ki hardik subhkamnayen!!!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
just 11 days before i can crash...for good !
i m dead...
well almost!!!
mind isnt functioning...neither is anything else!!!
just waiting for 8 days to get over...
and live another 3 days
before i crash...
yes i m looking forward to the crashing bit!
well almost!!!
mind isnt functioning...neither is anything else!!!
just waiting for 8 days to get over...
and live another 3 days
before i crash...
yes i m looking forward to the crashing bit!
Saturday, October 14, 2006
not the right words!
there are no right words
to express what i feel
right now right here
struggling to move on
yet not letting go
scared that i will leave it all behind
not finding the right reasons
to hold on...
too many clouding thoughts
wish the time flies
and with it all these fleeting thoughts
wish it were all sorted out...
before i get into sorting it out.
to express what i feel
right now right here
struggling to move on
yet not letting go
scared that i will leave it all behind
not finding the right reasons
to hold on...
too many clouding thoughts
wish the time flies
and with it all these fleeting thoughts
wish it were all sorted out...
before i get into sorting it out.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Half a me!
r: wat pix is this ?
me: oh
its half a me
r: hmn where is the other half ?
me: got lost somewhere
r: hahah
me: between here and cal
:)
r: oki with whom?
me: noone in particular
but lots if i think of it like that..
r: lots of them u mean?
me::) :)
i mean mummy n papa...p & p...u & v...
:)
like that
r: sweet!!!
p.s. even i didnt realise that it was such a telling pix...'half a me' fits very well with my SoM. :)
me: oh
its half a me
r: hmn where is the other half ?
me: got lost somewhere
r: hahah
me: between here and cal
:)
r: oki with whom?
me: noone in particular
but lots if i think of it like that..
r: lots of them u mean?
me::) :)
i mean mummy n papa...p & p...u & v...
:)
like that
r: sweet!!!
p.s. even i didnt realise that it was such a telling pix...'half a me' fits very well with my SoM. :)
bright dark secrets of a full-moon night!
i was fast asleep.
was really tired to be thinking of anyone or anything.
don't recall any dreams also.
dead asleep one could say!
suddenly in the middle of the night a strong gaze compelled me to open my eyes.
i woke up just for a moment.
i glanced outside my window.
i was spellbound...even in the deep sleep that i was in.
i saw the full moon peering at me.
yea it was shining bright back at me!
for a second i felt it was granting me something...
a special wish...i could feel
as i turned in my bed
eyes still stuck on the incredible sight
i could feel the surreality (to an extent even the silly-ness) of the moment.
but even then ...in my fast asleep state
all i could i think of was you...
i was taken aback with the spontaneity of my thought...
you were on my mind!
and i made a wish for myself!
maybe its too silly (or weird) to expect it to come true.
maybe it was nothing really.
but the magnamity of that small moment overwhelmed me too much to not believe in it.
and guess its going to linger for a long long time to come.
:)
was really tired to be thinking of anyone or anything.
don't recall any dreams also.
dead asleep one could say!
suddenly in the middle of the night a strong gaze compelled me to open my eyes.
i woke up just for a moment.
i glanced outside my window.
i was spellbound...even in the deep sleep that i was in.
i saw the full moon peering at me.
yea it was shining bright back at me!
for a second i felt it was granting me something...
a special wish...i could feel
as i turned in my bed
eyes still stuck on the incredible sight
i could feel the surreality (to an extent even the silly-ness) of the moment.
but even then ...in my fast asleep state
all i could i think of was you...
i was taken aback with the spontaneity of my thought...
you were on my mind!
and i made a wish for myself!
maybe its too silly (or weird) to expect it to come true.
maybe it was nothing really.
but the magnamity of that small moment overwhelmed me too much to not believe in it.
and guess its going to linger for a long long time to come.
:)
Today's Fortune - Oct 7, '06
"Your dearest wish will come true!"
dont know what about this, but something stirred within...so just wanted to keep a record of it :)
dont know what about this, but something stirred within...so just wanted to keep a record of it :)
Saturday, October 07, 2006
such two people exist in my life :)
there are some people in this world who know you...love you...the way you are...they are the ones who have seen you grow...let you grow and they are the ever changing constants whom you cant do without in life...who cant be taken for granted ever coz they are just too dear for anything like that.
there are some people in this world who cant do without you (even though you believe they can and if time comes, they will)...who need you ...love u for who you are...who let you be...for whom you will always walk that extra mile...because life is meaningful because of them being around...who will make the most of NOW and make that NOW last forever and ever...with whom you can't really have enough time...(of course they can get onto your nerves...but you can see through your love for them even in those angry moments)
such two people exist in my life...they are my constants in times of turbulance! they are my change at times of monotony!they are my alter ego at times when i lose myself! they make sense at times when i am nonsensical! they make me laugh when i forget to smile! they walk the extra mile that just makes my life so much more worthwhile! they are like me...they just let somethings be!
and they are still there while i am back here!
p.s. yes they are both of u...in case you ever read this :)
there are some people in this world who cant do without you (even though you believe they can and if time comes, they will)...who need you ...love u for who you are...who let you be...for whom you will always walk that extra mile...because life is meaningful because of them being around...who will make the most of NOW and make that NOW last forever and ever...with whom you can't really have enough time...(of course they can get onto your nerves...but you can see through your love for them even in those angry moments)
such two people exist in my life...they are my constants in times of turbulance! they are my change at times of monotony!they are my alter ego at times when i lose myself! they make sense at times when i am nonsensical! they make me laugh when i forget to smile! they walk the extra mile that just makes my life so much more worthwhile! they are like me...they just let somethings be!
and they are still there while i am back here!
p.s. yes they are both of u...in case you ever read this :)
him...and more importantly her!
i have never really tried to understand her!!!
and i realise it now.i try to reason why i have never liked her enough to try and understand her.
am i unreasonable.i know i am not...atleast thats what i think of myself.am i difficult to reach out to.maybe i am...i never really give a chance to people if i decide against it.am i that rigid in my thinking.i fear the answer is affirmative.
once i decide to not give a chance to someone, its pretty difficult for the person at the other end to break the ice with me. n i think its not that great an idea now that i have so many things falling apart because of that.
i realise i am doing it to him once again.closing and sealing one friendship that has meant a lot to me.a lot because its been there when i needed it the most.a lot because he has understood me when everyone else was busy in their lives.a lot because he is there unconditionally...even though at the cost of his own personal realtionships...why he has been closest to a friend like barney i could ever have.except that we would never really have any romantic undertone to our friendship.havent ever felt that for him. NEVER! no not even once.people find it difficult to believe but its true.i think girls and guys can be just friends...yeah JUST friends because of him.really!
and i am closing and sealing that one friendship without even letting him have his say on things! who am i really to decide for our friendship alone. but thats what i am doing once again.
and thats when she comes into the picture.i never really tried to understand her.
if he is important i should ve made an attempt to know her better...to understand her a bit if not be a dear friend of hers.i did not.
and suddenly i feel the need to. but guess its kind of late.
when will i learn to react on time....
maybe i am stretching it too far...maybe it doesnt really call for all this attention it is getting.
maybe letting it be is the best option available.
because talking to him at the cost of ignoring her isnt any option any longer!
p.s. is it just me or are relationships getting weirder by the day for everyone around!
and i realise it now.i try to reason why i have never liked her enough to try and understand her.
am i unreasonable.i know i am not...atleast thats what i think of myself.am i difficult to reach out to.maybe i am...i never really give a chance to people if i decide against it.am i that rigid in my thinking.i fear the answer is affirmative.
once i decide to not give a chance to someone, its pretty difficult for the person at the other end to break the ice with me. n i think its not that great an idea now that i have so many things falling apart because of that.
i realise i am doing it to him once again.closing and sealing one friendship that has meant a lot to me.a lot because its been there when i needed it the most.a lot because he has understood me when everyone else was busy in their lives.a lot because he is there unconditionally...even though at the cost of his own personal realtionships...why he has been closest to a friend like barney i could ever have.except that we would never really have any romantic undertone to our friendship.havent ever felt that for him. NEVER! no not even once.people find it difficult to believe but its true.i think girls and guys can be just friends...yeah JUST friends because of him.really!
and i am closing and sealing that one friendship without even letting him have his say on things! who am i really to decide for our friendship alone. but thats what i am doing once again.
and thats when she comes into the picture.i never really tried to understand her.
if he is important i should ve made an attempt to know her better...to understand her a bit if not be a dear friend of hers.i did not.
and suddenly i feel the need to. but guess its kind of late.
when will i learn to react on time....
maybe i am stretching it too far...maybe it doesnt really call for all this attention it is getting.
maybe letting it be is the best option available.
because talking to him at the cost of ignoring her isnt any option any longer!
p.s. is it just me or are relationships getting weirder by the day for everyone around!
meeting you...
it was definitely one up...
meeting you...
after six long years!
i dont know what it is that can't be put in words now.
one can say it meant a world to me and at the same time i felt really nothing about it.
yes the feeling was like that. of being there and yet not being there...
is that what meeting a friend after six long years is all about...especially in the context of having had connected so instantly to him already...maybe it is!
i aint complaining...dont get me wrong...just contemplating if thats what i would call a meeting...if that was what i was looking forward to...if that was really all that was!
guess it was good in a way...the meeting!
even though there was no conversation really (something i usually am good at)
even though nothing remained to be said anymore
even though things have changed drastically from the time i wanted to meet you and the time i actually did
yes the meeting was good!
coz life has its own ways...
and who knows maybe it was the last one destined for us before we tread on our individual paths that won't ever meet!
tx for that one last meet!
i loved it!
although i didnt have anything to say...although a lot remains unsaid!!!
meeting you...
after six long years!
i dont know what it is that can't be put in words now.
one can say it meant a world to me and at the same time i felt really nothing about it.
yes the feeling was like that. of being there and yet not being there...
is that what meeting a friend after six long years is all about...especially in the context of having had connected so instantly to him already...maybe it is!
i aint complaining...dont get me wrong...just contemplating if thats what i would call a meeting...if that was what i was looking forward to...if that was really all that was!
guess it was good in a way...the meeting!
even though there was no conversation really (something i usually am good at)
even though nothing remained to be said anymore
even though things have changed drastically from the time i wanted to meet you and the time i actually did
yes the meeting was good!
coz life has its own ways...
and who knows maybe it was the last one destined for us before we tread on our individual paths that won't ever meet!
tx for that one last meet!
i loved it!
although i didnt have anything to say...although a lot remains unsaid!!!
quite a few...
quite a few posts to write actually...
quite a few thoughts on my mind...
quite a few days these were...
quite a few old friends i met...
quite a few farewells i bid...
quite a new experience it was...
quite a few memories i created...
quite a bit overwhelmed i still am...
quite a few pictures were clicked...
quite a few friendships closed and sealed...
quite a few new beginnings it can be called...
quite a few new perpectives i can now see...
quite a few realisations hit me...
quite a bit i could deal with them...
quite a bit happy i am...
quite a bit of me i became...
yes this cal trip was quite a trip that there could ve been
and lets see how many posts can make up for it!!!
quite a few thoughts on my mind...
quite a few days these were...
quite a few old friends i met...
quite a few farewells i bid...
quite a new experience it was...
quite a few memories i created...
quite a bit overwhelmed i still am...
quite a few pictures were clicked...
quite a few friendships closed and sealed...
quite a few new beginnings it can be called...
quite a few new perpectives i can now see...
quite a few realisations hit me...
quite a bit i could deal with them...
quite a bit happy i am...
quite a bit of me i became...
yes this cal trip was quite a trip that there could ve been
and lets see how many posts can make up for it!!!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
yes its u...:)
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
p.s. this is a song that i desperately wanted to send to you...but like a lot many more things...decided against it!
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
p.s. this is a song that i desperately wanted to send to you...but like a lot many more things...decided against it!
Friday, September 29, 2006
moms just know!!!
mom never fails to surprise me...never!
:O
and i dont really know how to get her to know me a little less of me...
she can see through me (not everytime is that a good thing)
especially now when i m trying to get stuff off my mind...
my dear momma,
for all the times that you have understood me without telling you anything
know that i have just loved it...no matter how scared i get...
its still a good feeling to know that u know me so well
:)
mom
i love u...more than my words would ever show...
even though i dont spend so much time with u
even though i hate it at times when u are unreasonable
even though we fight so much
even though i don't see reason in a lot of things that u do
i love u!
and no matter how strong i show i am...i really can't do without u in my life!
:O
and i dont really know how to get her to know me a little less of me...
she can see through me (not everytime is that a good thing)
especially now when i m trying to get stuff off my mind...
my dear momma,
for all the times that you have understood me without telling you anything
know that i have just loved it...no matter how scared i get...
its still a good feeling to know that u know me so well
:)
mom
i love u...more than my words would ever show...
even though i dont spend so much time with u
even though i hate it at times when u are unreasonable
even though we fight so much
even though i don't see reason in a lot of things that u do
i love u!
and no matter how strong i show i am...i really can't do without u in my life!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
happiness is...today!
after the uncanny bit which really got me off balance, some real stuff!!!
some days are too good to be true [:)]
like today...
i dont know what about the day really caught me on the right foot...but something about today made me happy and o boy!...did i not make a BIG DEAL about it (hehehe)
thats what i specialise in...making a big deal of such small happy moments.
in that sense today was a bright red (or orange...or shimmering silver...or sunflower yellow) streak in an otherwise black and white life...if one can visualise what that would mean!...
well, for all those who can't it does mean a hell lot...especially in these colour starved days of endless assignments and compulsive (read useless) thesis proposals (well did i tell you how well i defended my bit of this useless compulsive p thing today...yes yes yes...i did it...:D with a conviction that i couldnt ve boasted about ever)
and yes that does add to this happy today...mundane things like that...i mean now c'on who doesnt know that its just another stage that one wants to get done with!!! n everyone gets done with it...so whats the BIG DEAL...so here again my expertise in action...i made it sound really BIG for myself...and decided to celebrate this with BIGGER GR8-er happiness...
so out i went...more with myself than anyone else...and i guess nobody can compare my company...hey really... no kidding here :P. with such a great company i couldnt have asked for more...but i did :)...n thankfully i got...some more goodies just for myself...coz the three of us (in case u are wondering who three there were i, me and my-happy-self) decided to go on a spree...sometimes its good to act on your instincts and impulse...n today was just the right day for all these sometimes :)...
so i pampered myself spoilt :D as i celebrated today
...with cafe latte...n choco-chip cookies...and yummilicious sizzler...
everything was just like those right notes of a fiddler
coz make no mistake and dont dare doubt...
this celebration of today is what my happiness is all about!
(now thats the poet-ess in me...dying to express herself! hehehe...n unlike life i believe in playing it fair n square :P)
some days are too good to be true [:)]
like today...
i dont know what about the day really caught me on the right foot...but something about today made me happy and o boy!...did i not make a BIG DEAL about it (hehehe)
thats what i specialise in...making a big deal of such small happy moments.
in that sense today was a bright red (or orange...or shimmering silver...or sunflower yellow) streak in an otherwise black and white life...if one can visualise what that would mean!...
well, for all those who can't it does mean a hell lot...especially in these colour starved days of endless assignments and compulsive (read useless) thesis proposals (well did i tell you how well i defended my bit of this useless compulsive p thing today...yes yes yes...i did it...:D with a conviction that i couldnt ve boasted about ever)
and yes that does add to this happy today...mundane things like that...i mean now c'on who doesnt know that its just another stage that one wants to get done with!!! n everyone gets done with it...so whats the BIG DEAL...so here again my expertise in action...i made it sound really BIG for myself...and decided to celebrate this with BIGGER GR8-er happiness...
so out i went...more with myself than anyone else...and i guess nobody can compare my company...hey really... no kidding here :P. with such a great company i couldnt have asked for more...but i did :)...n thankfully i got...some more goodies just for myself...coz the three of us (in case u are wondering who three there were i, me and my-happy-self) decided to go on a spree...sometimes its good to act on your instincts and impulse...n today was just the right day for all these sometimes :)...
so i pampered myself spoilt :D as i celebrated today
...with cafe latte...n choco-chip cookies...and yummilicious sizzler...
everything was just like those right notes of a fiddler
coz make no mistake and dont dare doubt...
this celebration of today is what my happiness is all about!
(now thats the poet-ess in me...dying to express herself! hehehe...n unlike life i believe in playing it fair n square :P)
totally uncanny !
its stange how a stranger can express it so well...words with which you are trying to grapple n grope
...n i HAVE to put it here ...Copyright: A Brown and Agile Girl (and apologies too)
"...
And you know what is funny - life's so crazy about moving on, that it won't allow you a moment to think about what you lost. It will force you ... to smile and make merry! To pretend as if nothing ever happened!! To pretend as if fate didn't steal away from you that which you wanted the most ...
So, now what?!
Overwhelming emptiness ...
And a lot of pretending!
So much pretending, that you almost fool yourself ..."
...n i HAVE to put it here ...Copyright: A Brown and Agile Girl (and apologies too)
"...
And you know what is funny - life's so crazy about moving on, that it won't allow you a moment to think about what you lost. It will force you ... to smile and make merry! To pretend as if nothing ever happened!! To pretend as if fate didn't steal away from you that which you wanted the most ...
So, now what?!
Overwhelming emptiness ...
And a lot of pretending!
So much pretending, that you almost fool yourself ..."
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Quote Unquote
Some people comes to our lives and leave in a while. Some others stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same!
you, my dear friend, belong to the latter category.
you, my dear friend, belong to the latter category.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
blue vs. yellow
suddenly i wonder why happiness is such a short term concept...i mean its not that i haven't been happy in the last few days but if somebody reads my posts thats the last thing that will strike anyone...
do i like to paint a sad picture of my life...i would certainly deny that!
what explains this best is the fact that happiness is a momentary concept...and those who remain happy all the time are striving for it every moment (with or without conscious efforts)...while i live that happy moment while it is there...be happy but when time comes to write... the not-so-happy things stand out...one good reason to write them is to get it out of my system...
not-so-happy moments if left unexpressed can make me a not-so-happy person...and i certainly wouldnt want to be that.
so i would talk about happiness for a change...those instant gratification moments (like somebody said in the mess today...such moments are the only ones that matter)...at a level i agree with him.
let me see how many of such moments i have had recently...
- good food tops the chart of such I-G-Ms...good food can never ever fail to cheer me up...hehehe
- then there has been these certain books that i ve read in the recent times...which i have identified so much with myself that it can be said to be my I-G-Ms...i mean if a stranger understanding me so well can give me so much happiness it gladdens me...and gives me a hope that i am not that complicated...:)
- characters like Lizzie and Mr. Darcy made me happy...:) series like SaTC give me I-G-Ms
- sometimes songs do the trick...in the recent past they have many a times picked up my spirits
- oh yes...cycling...its difficult for people to understand what makes me so happy while i am at it...guess the fact that i am in complete charge :)...and tennis and basket ball...even though i hardly can call myself a player there...but sports have an immense degree of involvement and i love being so involved in something that makes me forget everything else in life
- beautiful mornings...make me happy...yes @MICA especially...rain and thunderstorms have their own way of getting me alive and happy
- winning the first prize by virtue of being the only participants who would care enough to wake up and be part of the flower decoration contest at 8 am - definitely a big high :D
- sharing secrets with momma dear as if she was my first friend is also something that gladdened my heart immensely
- that a dear friend is planning a surprise for another one is also happy news
- not caring for the world while dancing through the night is one more thing that added some sunshine to my life very recently
so my point is that these happy moments are not in short supply in my life :)...i am sure if i continue i can write few more
:)
but these are momentary...last for a very short span of time...and hence the need to write them takes a backseat somehow...
and so i paint the blue picture of my yellow life!
yes its mostly yellow...i just cant handle the little blues...
kindly dont mistake me for a true blue person.
i, for one, wouldnt be agreeable to that.
do i like to paint a sad picture of my life...i would certainly deny that!
what explains this best is the fact that happiness is a momentary concept...and those who remain happy all the time are striving for it every moment (with or without conscious efforts)...while i live that happy moment while it is there...be happy but when time comes to write... the not-so-happy things stand out...one good reason to write them is to get it out of my system...
not-so-happy moments if left unexpressed can make me a not-so-happy person...and i certainly wouldnt want to be that.
so i would talk about happiness for a change...those instant gratification moments (like somebody said in the mess today...such moments are the only ones that matter)...at a level i agree with him.
let me see how many of such moments i have had recently...
- good food tops the chart of such I-G-Ms...good food can never ever fail to cheer me up...hehehe
- then there has been these certain books that i ve read in the recent times...which i have identified so much with myself that it can be said to be my I-G-Ms...i mean if a stranger understanding me so well can give me so much happiness it gladdens me...and gives me a hope that i am not that complicated...:)
- characters like Lizzie and Mr. Darcy made me happy...:) series like SaTC give me I-G-Ms
- sometimes songs do the trick...in the recent past they have many a times picked up my spirits
- oh yes...cycling...its difficult for people to understand what makes me so happy while i am at it...guess the fact that i am in complete charge :)...and tennis and basket ball...even though i hardly can call myself a player there...but sports have an immense degree of involvement and i love being so involved in something that makes me forget everything else in life
- beautiful mornings...make me happy...yes @MICA especially...rain and thunderstorms have their own way of getting me alive and happy
- winning the first prize by virtue of being the only participants who would care enough to wake up and be part of the flower decoration contest at 8 am - definitely a big high :D
- sharing secrets with momma dear as if she was my first friend is also something that gladdened my heart immensely
- that a dear friend is planning a surprise for another one is also happy news
- not caring for the world while dancing through the night is one more thing that added some sunshine to my life very recently
so my point is that these happy moments are not in short supply in my life :)...i am sure if i continue i can write few more
:)
but these are momentary...last for a very short span of time...and hence the need to write them takes a backseat somehow...
and so i paint the blue picture of my yellow life!
yes its mostly yellow...i just cant handle the little blues...
kindly dont mistake me for a true blue person.
i, for one, wouldnt be agreeable to that.
The 'IG' - business
its sad.
She can pop into my life...talk about their problem...convince me of my active role in her miserable life...and leave me without any alternative but to ignore him.
i ignore him.
for all the good times he has helped me get through in life...i ignore him.
for all the times when he has gone out of his way to turn things my way...i ignore him.
for all the times that he has ensured that life is a little more meaningful...i ignore him
for all the times he has stood by me...i ignore him
for a great friend that he has been...i ignore him.
yes i ignore him...for her sake!
in the hope that things will resolve in their life...in the hope that they will start trusting each other...respecting each other enough to spare me the burden of their miseries...
in the hope that finally i will get some peace of mind!
its sad...nonetheless true.
She can pop into my life...talk about their problem...convince me of my active role in her miserable life...and leave me without any alternative but to ignore him.
i ignore him.
for all the good times he has helped me get through in life...i ignore him.
for all the times when he has gone out of his way to turn things my way...i ignore him.
for all the times that he has ensured that life is a little more meaningful...i ignore him
for all the times he has stood by me...i ignore him
for a great friend that he has been...i ignore him.
yes i ignore him...for her sake!
in the hope that things will resolve in their life...in the hope that they will start trusting each other...respecting each other enough to spare me the burden of their miseries...
in the hope that finally i will get some peace of mind!
its sad...nonetheless true.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Life is such a bitch sometimes!
It pops up surprises when you aren’t looking for one
And shocks you at times when you are prepared for none
And treasons you into believing that it’s squarely fair
Leaving you with just one question…why me? Why why why?
But this is true only of the big final fight
It will leave you stranded without any respite
All the answers will just run away and hide!
You wake up in the morning with a fresh smile
But as you tread along the day, it is bound to blur and die
Why would you be such a bitch?
Why don’t you just live and let me live as such?
Why would you give reasons?
Why later treason?
Why just me?
Why can’t you let me be?
You are my life…the only one!
Why wont you rather be my friend
And fend for me till the end!!!
Saturday, August 26, 2006
"At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can."
This is a very special post...by far the most special of all
because its about 'Frida Kahlo'
Dont mistake Frida for being just a woman...a character in the film.
It would be a blunder to presume that.
Frida is an inspiration
...not just for a woman but for the human kind.
Frida is spontaneity...and truth and freedom
She is courage...and strength and honesty
She is suffering...and pain and love
She is daring...and confident and sure
Frida is a lot...a lot lot more
Frida is spirit of the soul...and i wish i would have a bit of her in me.
"I hope the exit is joyful and I hope never to return." - Frida
because its about 'Frida Kahlo'
Dont mistake Frida for being just a woman...a character in the film.
It would be a blunder to presume that.
Frida is an inspiration
...not just for a woman but for the human kind.
Frida is spontaneity...and truth and freedom
She is courage...and strength and honesty
She is suffering...and pain and love
She is daring...and confident and sure
Frida is a lot...a lot lot more
Frida is spirit of the soul...and i wish i would have a bit of her in me.
"I hope the exit is joyful and I hope never to return." - Frida
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
For you a thousand times over!!!
i suddenly remembered this phrase from one of my favorite books of all times (Kite-runner by Khaled Hossieni - a must read for all and sundry)
"For you a thousand times over!"
wish i could say this fr someone...wish someone could say this to me!
"For you a thousand times over!"
wish i could say this fr someone...wish someone could say this to me!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
STOP!!!
Stop!
Right now, right there
Dont Move!!!
Freeze it!
and give up!
Its not worth taking the shot!
Never was...never will be.
Stop!
because if you move even one step
i might take the plunge!!!
And i want to live...
Trust me i want to!
p.s. 'Behind my sarcasm desperate memories lie!'
Right now, right there
Dont Move!!!
Freeze it!
and give up!
Its not worth taking the shot!
Never was...never will be.
Stop!
because if you move even one step
i might take the plunge!!!
And i want to live...
Trust me i want to!
p.s. 'Behind my sarcasm desperate memories lie!'
Sunday, August 20, 2006
She doesnt know anything anymore!
she is too scared...to hurt n be hurt!
she is too lost...to be found by anyone anymore!
she doesnt dare anymore...something tells her it wont work!
she wish she could care less...but couldnt care more!
she doesnt know anything anymore!!!
she doesnt want to know!!!
and she hates herself for being her!!!
she is too scared...to hurt n be hurt!
she is too lost...to be found by anyone anymore!
she doesnt dare anymore...something tells her it wont work!
she wish she could care less...but couldnt care more!
she doesnt know anything anymore!!!
she doesnt want to know!!!
and she hates herself for being her!!!
Friday, August 18, 2006
quote for the day :)
'If I am who I am because I am who I am, and You are who You are because You are who You are, then I Am who I Am and you Are who you Are. But, on the other hand, IF I am who I am, because You are who you are, and You are who You are, because I am who I am, then you Are Not who you are, and I Am Not who I am'
p.s. needless to add i truly believe in it !
Thursday, May 25, 2006
life is silly...so am i!!!
life still makes me go through the same love and hurt cycles
and i react just the same...
life makes me bored
and i fight with my best friend
life makes me unhappy
and i start feeling so lost and alone as if nobody ever cared
life takes a test of my patience
and i test the patience of everyone who is around
life frowns at me
i frown back at my small world
life is so silly
and so am i!!!
and i react just the same...
life makes me bored
and i fight with my best friend
life makes me unhappy
and i start feeling so lost and alone as if nobody ever cared
life takes a test of my patience
and i test the patience of everyone who is around
life frowns at me
i frown back at my small world
life is so silly
and so am i!!!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
on second thoughts
there is another person whom i wanted to mail today...but on second thoughts didnt.not because i think he will feel bad but because it doesnt matter to him anyways.
cos he is too far away from all of this to even bother.
his artificial wall of status doesnt let him be the genuine person that i had known him to be.
on second thoughts maybe i am in a bashing mode.
cos he is too far away from all of this to even bother.
his artificial wall of status doesnt let him be the genuine person that i had known him to be.
on second thoughts maybe i am in a bashing mode.
finally lost!!!
felt like writing a mail to you...to communicate... that we have lost each other...
no its not a sudden realisation!
have felt it all along the past so many months...felt like telling you...coz i guess finally i have accepted this...and i wont ever go back on it again...never like who we were...
but then i really cannot afford to let you tear apart the smallest of memories that are left with me about the us we had been at one point of my life.
really sad though!
i have learnt a lot from you...about love...about life...about myself as well...i have admired you. for small things that were so much you.i have loved you. and now i have lost you.
the saddest part though is not that.
it is that i no longer feel the need to communicate to you
to tell you things that i want to
to share things going on in my life
to laugh with you
to shed a tear when i am low
to smile with you at times when i make a fool of myself
to even let you know that there are still some times when i miss you
to remind you that u forgot my birthday
the saddest part is
that you have finally proved your belief
that i am not there for you
coz i dont feel like being there for you
...coz you just dont let me be
you dont accept that things have changed
...
coz i see you blaming me for everything that has gone wrong now
the saddest part is
i have become indifferent to you
and there is nothing i feel like doing about it!
no its not a sudden realisation!
have felt it all along the past so many months...felt like telling you...coz i guess finally i have accepted this...and i wont ever go back on it again...never like who we were...
but then i really cannot afford to let you tear apart the smallest of memories that are left with me about the us we had been at one point of my life.
really sad though!
i have learnt a lot from you...about love...about life...about myself as well...i have admired you. for small things that were so much you.i have loved you. and now i have lost you.
the saddest part though is not that.
it is that i no longer feel the need to communicate to you
to tell you things that i want to
to share things going on in my life
to laugh with you
to shed a tear when i am low
to smile with you at times when i make a fool of myself
to even let you know that there are still some times when i miss you
to remind you that u forgot my birthday
the saddest part is
that you have finally proved your belief
that i am not there for you
coz i dont feel like being there for you
...coz you just dont let me be
you dont accept that things have changed
...
coz i see you blaming me for everything that has gone wrong now
the saddest part is
i have become indifferent to you
and there is nothing i feel like doing about it!
Saturday, April 15, 2006
new place...new beginnings
yes once again i am at a new place...with new people...new beginnings...
and with so many new things around the same longing for the old things
(sigh!!!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
quite some time that i have blogged.
there are quite a few things that i feel like blogging about dont know where to begin
home was good this time although i m yet to feel at my home again.guess i have forgotten that feeling now.good...'coz that made me be at peace this time around when i was there...
meeting with p back at home was the best thing i think...guess can never thank her enough for all the time she spared for me despite work and other stuff...wont ever get around to telling her though i think...but i really was touched at her efforts to be with me while i was there
meeting another long lost friend was also better than i had expected...guess time and distance has made me forget everything else now
birthday was also good :)...spend it with my small world...only people who really matter to me...who really care...it was a good feeling
had a strange encounter in the flight...really strange...but very pleasant. met a friend's colleague and instantly connected with her as if we ve been friends for life...really really uncanny...it is these encounters that make me believe in life more than otherwise
there are so many bits and pieces which i cant put together!
so will let this be!
and with so many new things around the same longing for the old things
(sigh!!!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
quite some time that i have blogged.
there are quite a few things that i feel like blogging about dont know where to begin
home was good this time although i m yet to feel at my home again.guess i have forgotten that feeling now.good...'coz that made me be at peace this time around when i was there...
meeting with p back at home was the best thing i think...guess can never thank her enough for all the time she spared for me despite work and other stuff...wont ever get around to telling her though i think...but i really was touched at her efforts to be with me while i was there
meeting another long lost friend was also better than i had expected...guess time and distance has made me forget everything else now
birthday was also good :)...spend it with my small world...only people who really matter to me...who really care...it was a good feeling
had a strange encounter in the flight...really strange...but very pleasant. met a friend's colleague and instantly connected with her as if we ve been friends for life...really really uncanny...it is these encounters that make me believe in life more than otherwise
there are so many bits and pieces which i cant put together!
so will let this be!
Saturday, April 01, 2006
the last day of being pgp-1
dunno why i am so restless and exhausted!!!
change is not something that we can get accustomed to very easily....have been contemplating this now for quite some time and yet when its here it is making me feel queer...why is what i am trying to introspect although i know the answers...but there has to be something apart from the obvious as well which is shaking me up from within!
the last day here as a junior isnt that consequential or is it???
i think part of the uneasiness is also about leaving this room (Kachhnar 15)...which has been so mine for these last 9 months...talk about getting attached to people ...here i m getting emotional about a lifeless room...
actually its not a room...its a hint of what life is going to be like tomorrow...and thats what is discomfitting me now... :(
okies...
enough of philoso-phising on life...
what i am definitely goin to miss when i come back on campus is my room...the comfort of being around girls all the time...and especially both my neighbours...no matter how distant we have become staying here
i m definitely goin to miss have the cooler on my floor...(hoping that staying at first floor will get me some much needed exercise)
my world is like a pack of cards...just when everyone is in place and i feel like i am almost winning...it seems like i have won some and lost some...and somebody reshuffles the pack...with again that uncertainty of not knowing what cards are goin to come to me...
once again i am preparing for a new deal...with life...there is a strange happy-sad feeling with it...yes there is this bit of happiness of discovering something new with a new deal...but also the listlessness of losing the present comfort as well
i want to smile at what life keeps on offering me every once in a while.its not as bad as i fear it to be...
there is this strange intense love-hate feeling i can associate with this kind of life!
change is not something that we can get accustomed to very easily....have been contemplating this now for quite some time and yet when its here it is making me feel queer...why is what i am trying to introspect although i know the answers...but there has to be something apart from the obvious as well which is shaking me up from within!
the last day here as a junior isnt that consequential or is it???
i think part of the uneasiness is also about leaving this room (Kachhnar 15)...which has been so mine for these last 9 months...talk about getting attached to people ...here i m getting emotional about a lifeless room...
actually its not a room...its a hint of what life is going to be like tomorrow...and thats what is discomfitting me now... :(
okies...
enough of philoso-phising on life...
what i am definitely goin to miss when i come back on campus is my room...the comfort of being around girls all the time...and especially both my neighbours...no matter how distant we have become staying here
i m definitely goin to miss have the cooler on my floor...(hoping that staying at first floor will get me some much needed exercise)
my world is like a pack of cards...just when everyone is in place and i feel like i am almost winning...it seems like i have won some and lost some...and somebody reshuffles the pack...with again that uncertainty of not knowing what cards are goin to come to me...
once again i am preparing for a new deal...with life...there is a strange happy-sad feeling with it...yes there is this bit of happiness of discovering something new with a new deal...but also the listlessness of losing the present comfort as well
i want to smile at what life keeps on offering me every once in a while.its not as bad as i fear it to be...
there is this strange intense love-hate feeling i can associate with this kind of life!
Friday, March 31, 2006
little bit of conversation...
m missing that little bit of conversation that has become so much a part of my life...guess this is the first clue to what tomorrow is going to be like...
struggling to deal with it within....very calm at the outset though...isnt that what reflects a strong character...
there are few things which i would like to tell you...but somehow i have a feeling wont get around to telling you...
i treasured your company while you were here and in spite of knowing you as well to know that you wont bother tomorrow about where and how i am, i am glad i made a friend like you at this strange place.
would ve been happier if these last two three days would be able to spend some more time with you...but as i see it...its not really happening. sadly i understand that as well so m not complaining...still.
struggling to deal with it within....very calm at the outset though...isnt that what reflects a strong character...
there are few things which i would like to tell you...but somehow i have a feeling wont get around to telling you...
i treasured your company while you were here and in spite of knowing you as well to know that you wont bother tomorrow about where and how i am, i am glad i made a friend like you at this strange place.
would ve been happier if these last two three days would be able to spend some more time with you...but as i see it...its not really happening. sadly i understand that as well so m not complaining...still.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
drunk and high :D...at the "Final Orgy"
i am still overwhelmed
was drunk and high...on dance and music yesterday at the "Final Orgy" (for the uninitiated that was the theme of the party we gave to our seniors who leave campus five days from now)
i dont know what it was...but i was happy and sad at the same time with such an intensity...it was actually amazing
dunno between the music...dancing...talking...smiling...enjoying
something very strange and strong hit me...suddenly it hit me that i dont believe in love...a love that remains for life...that people say lasts forever...no i dont think there exists any feeling like that...no i m not being cynical while saying this.
i do think that there is this magical feeling which makes u heady...makes u want to do things for someone else...to make him happy...but that is very shortlived...and before u realise it its just dead egg...there isnt much left of it.
putting it a little simply i dont think i will ever love somebody like that...coz there is this fear within me that i cant love people...because of whatever reasons.
something within hurt real bad...with this realisation. but it was such a final realisation that i was dumbfounded.
i dont know why this feeling came to my mind...
i think i am afraid to love anyone anymore...of losing a good friend when the love fades away...so i would rather not cross that line...coz at the end of it all i dont want to lose another friend...have already lost my share of friends.
made me feel really lonely and lost for that moment.
was drunk and high...on dance and music yesterday at the "Final Orgy" (for the uninitiated that was the theme of the party we gave to our seniors who leave campus five days from now)
i dont know what it was...but i was happy and sad at the same time with such an intensity...it was actually amazing
dunno between the music...dancing...talking...smiling...enjoying
something very strange and strong hit me...suddenly it hit me that i dont believe in love...a love that remains for life...that people say lasts forever...no i dont think there exists any feeling like that...no i m not being cynical while saying this.
i do think that there is this magical feeling which makes u heady...makes u want to do things for someone else...to make him happy...but that is very shortlived...and before u realise it its just dead egg...there isnt much left of it.
putting it a little simply i dont think i will ever love somebody like that...coz there is this fear within me that i cant love people...because of whatever reasons.
something within hurt real bad...with this realisation. but it was such a final realisation that i was dumbfounded.
i dont know why this feeling came to my mind...
i think i am afraid to love anyone anymore...of losing a good friend when the love fades away...so i would rather not cross that line...coz at the end of it all i dont want to lose another friend...have already lost my share of friends.
made me feel really lonely and lost for that moment.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
bitter sweet memory
every friend like you is a bitter sweet memory in my life
before you came,
life was good, happy and usual
wasnt missing anything much
and then u came
with a spontaneous and careless attitude
with some spare time in this busy busy world
with some jokes to share
some trivia, some stories,
some gossip, rarely inner most fears and tribulations
but yet those rare times added so much...
didnt realise when we became such good friends
sharing small bits and pieces of what life offered us everyday
laughing...teasing...demanding...expecting
(isnt that the usual phenomenon no matter how many times u have gone through it)
didnt realise when and how caring for you became spontaneous
has it occurred to anyone why we suddenly are ready to bet on our lives for some people
yes scary but true...
you became as important
dont know why it never was a botheration to spend time with you
conversations came easily...so did smiles
and before the realisation that friendship came naturally to us
reality hit again...
time for you to leave
yet again....why???
(how many times will life teach me the same lesson...why me?)
yes you will leave
and with that another chapter would end...
yes i will miss u...more than you would know...
and by now i know how to deal with it.
so no worries will smile through even this.
and yes i will keep in touch...
but can things be just the same
no! i no longer think like that
and you will go
just like all others do
but somethings remain
they refuse to change
thats the beauty of a bitter sweet memory
its always a tad sweeter than the bitter bit.
:)
before you came,
life was good, happy and usual
wasnt missing anything much
and then u came
with a spontaneous and careless attitude
with some spare time in this busy busy world
with some jokes to share
some trivia, some stories,
some gossip, rarely inner most fears and tribulations
but yet those rare times added so much...
didnt realise when we became such good friends
sharing small bits and pieces of what life offered us everyday
laughing...teasing...demanding...expecting
(isnt that the usual phenomenon no matter how many times u have gone through it)
didnt realise when and how caring for you became spontaneous
has it occurred to anyone why we suddenly are ready to bet on our lives for some people
yes scary but true...
you became as important
dont know why it never was a botheration to spend time with you
conversations came easily...so did smiles
and before the realisation that friendship came naturally to us
reality hit again...
time for you to leave
yet again....why???
(how many times will life teach me the same lesson...why me?)
yes you will leave
and with that another chapter would end...
yes i will miss u...more than you would know...
and by now i know how to deal with it.
so no worries will smile through even this.
and yes i will keep in touch...
but can things be just the same
no! i no longer think like that
and you will go
just like all others do
but somethings remain
they refuse to change
thats the beauty of a bitter sweet memory
its always a tad sweeter than the bitter bit.
:)
Sunday, March 19, 2006
perfect holiday :)
a perfect day after a long time
woke up at 11.30 am...sleepily switched the laptop on...and watched the last bit of Roman Holiday...another amazing movie...especially after yesterday's spectacular performances in pride and prejudice...fell in love with Mr. Darcy after watching the movie...(no again havent read the book before)
have missed a lot of reading and movies till now...and i am glad that i m making up for all that...
had made up my mind in the morning itself that i m not going to study one bit...have kept up with it
then had a very candid chat session with someone whom i never thought i could...surprises like that conversation pop up so suddenly in life...that somewhere in your mind feel reassured that there will always be someone somewhere who will understand you a bit more than u think they can...confessed a whole lot of stuff in front of him...and felt nice...really nice!
so much so that practically didnt sleep or eat or do anything else till almost evening...when suddenly realised that if i dont eat i might just faint...lol. so after a quick shower...ate at the mess.
after that began the whole evening of being at peace with myself with so many different songs...beautiful songs if i may call them...was such a light evening with so much of happiness...difficult to capture in mere words...:) (discovered the wonderful song "rendevous" by craig david thanks to one of my friend)
today was a perfect day coz i spend it with myself more than anyone else... and this just till the evening!
woke up at 11.30 am...sleepily switched the laptop on...and watched the last bit of Roman Holiday...another amazing movie...especially after yesterday's spectacular performances in pride and prejudice...fell in love with Mr. Darcy after watching the movie...(no again havent read the book before)
have missed a lot of reading and movies till now...and i am glad that i m making up for all that...
had made up my mind in the morning itself that i m not going to study one bit...have kept up with it
then had a very candid chat session with someone whom i never thought i could...surprises like that conversation pop up so suddenly in life...that somewhere in your mind feel reassured that there will always be someone somewhere who will understand you a bit more than u think they can...confessed a whole lot of stuff in front of him...and felt nice...really nice!
so much so that practically didnt sleep or eat or do anything else till almost evening...when suddenly realised that if i dont eat i might just faint...lol. so after a quick shower...ate at the mess.
after that began the whole evening of being at peace with myself with so many different songs...beautiful songs if i may call them...was such a light evening with so much of happiness...difficult to capture in mere words...:) (discovered the wonderful song "rendevous" by craig david thanks to one of my friend)
today was a perfect day coz i spend it with myself more than anyone else... and this just till the evening!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
strange encounters
the music in the background was the only sound in the room...yet there was no awkwardness...she smiled away to herself. Deep within she was trying to figure out something that would make him feel a little better than what he was feeling. he was lying on the bed just behind her chair listening to music. life hasnt been exactly fair to him lately and he has been strong throughout.dont think she could have seen him breaking down.
sometimes she questions herself as to why does she care so much for him. why does she bother. but she knows she does care. although tomorrow once again situations might change and maybe she wont bother so much, but today...yes today she does care for many small small things...more than he would ever know
so with the music, she decides to break the silence by arbit questions...about career, life relationships...about success, failures and milestones. she isnt too sure if he is even bothering to listen to what she is blabbbering away...but she doesnt mind that...dunno why. i think as long as he is peaceful at the outset she wont really mind anything.
the problem is he is kinda disturbed within. yes she could feel it. doesnt how to tell him though that she understands and yet not understand it completely. when he says "you know i think i cant really love anyone" she feels like giving him that assuring hug that its just not true! she surely doesnt second his belief.
"you know i want you to just lie down beside me" this does take her by surprise. she doesnt get it. no she doesnt see any lust in his eyes...yet she doesnt know how to react. no she wasnt scared also. she just fails to see reason. why would he feel like that. surely he doesnt see her as a prospective...or does he. but no she cant be wrong his eyes dont tell her that.
there is this longing in his eyes...to make himself believe that he can love someone.maybe thats his way of proving to himself that he is not completely incapable of loving...yes he even says that aloud "i think i am like a dog, i need someone close enough to express my affection"
Her heart goes out to him, but being the stuck up herself doesnt let go of her apprehensions of lying down next to a guy...after all the he-she mechanics cant be ignored or can it???
strangely this doesnt make them awkward. he drifts off to sleep. she doesnt think otherwise of him.
for an instant he seems like a kid to her, who just wants to hold his dear pet tight before drifting into sleep. she wants to kiss his forehead and put him off to sleep, just by staying close to him. she does nothing of the sort.
and suddenly there is a jerk...she realises that she had drifted off to sleep long before any of this happened.
yes strange encounters have a way of touching our lives in the strangest of ways.
sometimes she questions herself as to why does she care so much for him. why does she bother. but she knows she does care. although tomorrow once again situations might change and maybe she wont bother so much, but today...yes today she does care for many small small things...more than he would ever know
so with the music, she decides to break the silence by arbit questions...about career, life relationships...about success, failures and milestones. she isnt too sure if he is even bothering to listen to what she is blabbbering away...but she doesnt mind that...dunno why. i think as long as he is peaceful at the outset she wont really mind anything.
the problem is he is kinda disturbed within. yes she could feel it. doesnt how to tell him though that she understands and yet not understand it completely. when he says "you know i think i cant really love anyone" she feels like giving him that assuring hug that its just not true! she surely doesnt second his belief.
"you know i want you to just lie down beside me" this does take her by surprise. she doesnt get it. no she doesnt see any lust in his eyes...yet she doesnt know how to react. no she wasnt scared also. she just fails to see reason. why would he feel like that. surely he doesnt see her as a prospective...or does he. but no she cant be wrong his eyes dont tell her that.
there is this longing in his eyes...to make himself believe that he can love someone.maybe thats his way of proving to himself that he is not completely incapable of loving...yes he even says that aloud "i think i am like a dog, i need someone close enough to express my affection"
Her heart goes out to him, but being the stuck up herself doesnt let go of her apprehensions of lying down next to a guy...after all the he-she mechanics cant be ignored or can it???
strangely this doesnt make them awkward. he drifts off to sleep. she doesnt think otherwise of him.
for an instant he seems like a kid to her, who just wants to hold his dear pet tight before drifting into sleep. she wants to kiss his forehead and put him off to sleep, just by staying close to him. she does nothing of the sort.
and suddenly there is a jerk...she realises that she had drifted off to sleep long before any of this happened.
yes strange encounters have a way of touching our lives in the strangest of ways.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Thank you but no thank you!
i have realised that i dont want to have friends in life who lack basic respect for my other friends...that i can tolerate a lot of things when it comes to friends but this one thing goes beyond me...
i think its ok for my friends to dislike each other...its impossible to get everyone to like each other...but for my own sake i would like to believe that my friends would realise that each one is a very unique individual and just because i am candid about them doesnt mean i can tolerate any kind of humilaition directed at them (specially in front of me)...
this aint the first time i have come across this...i had the toughest time in the past trying to figure out what gives anyone a right to offend my friends as a gesture of concern for me...guess that is one thing i wouldnt even expect from my parents...forget friends...and all i have to say for that is "thank you very much! but you know what i can take care of myself"...and yes there are no two ways about it
although i just fail to see reason why anyone would even attempt that. is it that difficult to make that effort to be friendly to your friend's friend...guess that really comes naturally to me unless someone gives me a reason to be otherwise
i dont know why it puts me off so much...this kind of behavior...i dont know why it scares me so much...makes all the efforts i take willingly for my friends seem so useless...
i dont know if it is that important to ponder over so much...
its just that i always find this a little difficult to deal with...and such experiences make me believe that i should never mix friends...although i would like to!
i think its ok for my friends to dislike each other...its impossible to get everyone to like each other...but for my own sake i would like to believe that my friends would realise that each one is a very unique individual and just because i am candid about them doesnt mean i can tolerate any kind of humilaition directed at them (specially in front of me)...
this aint the first time i have come across this...i had the toughest time in the past trying to figure out what gives anyone a right to offend my friends as a gesture of concern for me...guess that is one thing i wouldnt even expect from my parents...forget friends...and all i have to say for that is "thank you very much! but you know what i can take care of myself"...and yes there are no two ways about it
although i just fail to see reason why anyone would even attempt that. is it that difficult to make that effort to be friendly to your friend's friend...guess that really comes naturally to me unless someone gives me a reason to be otherwise
i dont know why it puts me off so much...this kind of behavior...i dont know why it scares me so much...makes all the efforts i take willingly for my friends seem so useless...
i dont know if it is that important to ponder over so much...
its just that i always find this a little difficult to deal with...and such experiences make me believe that i should never mix friends...although i would like to!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
the inevitable "gradetalk"
i hate the time of the term when grades come out...no i dont hate the thought of knowing my grades...its the inevitable gradetalk that follows that i cant stand...
you may ask why?
i believe that grades are no benchmarks of how successful one will be in life. but thats secondary...
the primary reason being that suddenly everyone starts doubting each other...and few their own capabilities...while some are obviously ecstatic...and suddenly everyone is explaining and justifying who they are...giving reasons why they fared what they did
no that is not to say that i completely ignore grades...i havent mastered that level till now...
we blame everyone but ourselves for the same...and i dont see what good it can do to blame it all on ourselves as well...
basically i think its a complete waste of time...and should not be given the kind of magnified importance that it gets by default...
wont it make greater sense if we would concentrate on the learnings rather the grades...maybe tom when we are stuck with problems in real life, the learnings would help in solving those.
you may ask why?
i believe that grades are no benchmarks of how successful one will be in life. but thats secondary...
the primary reason being that suddenly everyone starts doubting each other...and few their own capabilities...while some are obviously ecstatic...and suddenly everyone is explaining and justifying who they are...giving reasons why they fared what they did
no that is not to say that i completely ignore grades...i havent mastered that level till now...
we blame everyone but ourselves for the same...and i dont see what good it can do to blame it all on ourselves as well...
basically i think its a complete waste of time...and should not be given the kind of magnified importance that it gets by default...
wont it make greater sense if we would concentrate on the learnings rather the grades...maybe tom when we are stuck with problems in real life, the learnings would help in solving those.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
untitled
saw two masterpieces in the two days...
"Its a wonderful Life" by Frank Capra
"Fiddler on the Roof"
...cried while watching both...in fact sobbed literally in the first one. But guess some tears are worth the trouble...
"Its a wonderful Life" by Frank Capra
"Fiddler on the Roof"
...cried while watching both...in fact sobbed literally in the first one. But guess some tears are worth the trouble...
Sunday, March 12, 2006
random thinking!!!
i dunno why i am so angry...and bugged...and bored...that i dont feel like saying anything to anyone anymore.
but why are people so insensitive to other people...is something i just fail to understand...does it take so much to just let others be...
i dunno...maybe would never know...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
have you ever felt trapped in the conversation of two people...when it is because of the third person that you are with the two anyways? when it is that third person that you feel like spending some time with...
the time you are trying to comprehend what to do to excuse yourself from their conversation is all lost when suddenly like a jerk you just dont want to do anything...
and worse is you walk back with the two with whom you were feeling trapped at the first place...leaving the third one behind...coz suddenly the only option left with you is to be alone...
and then you suddenly realise that your own company is the best company at times...and love yourself for it :)
p.s. this comes on a day when you have been thoroughly BORED with life in general
but why are people so insensitive to other people...is something i just fail to understand...does it take so much to just let others be...
i dunno...maybe would never know...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
have you ever felt trapped in the conversation of two people...when it is because of the third person that you are with the two anyways? when it is that third person that you feel like spending some time with...
the time you are trying to comprehend what to do to excuse yourself from their conversation is all lost when suddenly like a jerk you just dont want to do anything...
and worse is you walk back with the two with whom you were feeling trapped at the first place...leaving the third one behind...coz suddenly the only option left with you is to be alone...
and then you suddenly realise that your own company is the best company at times...and love yourself for it :)
p.s. this comes on a day when you have been thoroughly BORED with life in general
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Monday Mourning Blues :)
dint know that Monday Mourning Blues could cheer me up to this extent...but it has...for the uninitiated this was the theme of the party that is still on outside my room...with glaring music rocking my windows...i seem to be enjoying...so much so that i just couldnt help writing :)
life is mostly beautiful...sunny and cheerful...i have always believed this deep within.
life is mostly beautiful...sunny and cheerful...i have always believed this deep within.
Friday, March 03, 2006
guys will be just guys...till when???
i have realised that no matter what guys will just remain guys...
and the more i get to know them the more i want to like them but the truth is that i detest them more...and they are so natural in being who they are sometimes i just even know who to blame?
And they know it too...because of which they just dont want to project this in front of friends (especially when they are girls) coz girls just wont understand...and i agree i dont...most of the times...
and they lose respect...so much of it...without much fault of their own...
no, dont get me wrong
i m trying my best to not be judgemental (read: trying to get into the mindset of a guy)
but somewhere it just fails to connect... can i accept this about them???
maybe i can as long as i m just a friend...but beyond that it just escapes me completely
maybe thats part of the reason why i wont ever trust any guy completely...(at least deep within my heart i wont).
and the more i get to know them the more i want to like them but the truth is that i detest them more...and they are so natural in being who they are sometimes i just even know who to blame?
And they know it too...because of which they just dont want to project this in front of friends (especially when they are girls) coz girls just wont understand...and i agree i dont...most of the times...
and they lose respect...so much of it...without much fault of their own...
no, dont get me wrong
i m trying my best to not be judgemental (read: trying to get into the mindset of a guy)
but somewhere it just fails to connect... can i accept this about them???
maybe i can as long as i m just a friend...but beyond that it just escapes me completely
maybe thats part of the reason why i wont ever trust any guy completely...(at least deep within my heart i wont).
thoroughly mundane
wake up at 8.15 am
take the hurried shower
reach class on time
make presentation...rather stand beside your group who is presenting...
answer few questions
(what the hell...why do we bother answering those questions...those answers are known to everybody...isnt it...
is anybody bothered about the questions in my mind...will anybody think about answering them???)
.
.
.
.
.
move on...
and somewhere within my mind, suddenly there is this restlessness...this confusion...this sudden repulsive-ness...this aimlessness...
.
.
.
.
.
why! how!
.
.
.
.
.
the day was pretty mundane...right!!!
then why the hell am i feeling so lost suddenly?
take the hurried shower
reach class on time
make presentation...rather stand beside your group who is presenting...
answer few questions
(what the hell...why do we bother answering those questions...those answers are known to everybody...isnt it...
is anybody bothered about the questions in my mind...will anybody think about answering them???)
.
.
.
.
.
move on...
and somewhere within my mind, suddenly there is this restlessness...this confusion...this sudden repulsive-ness...this aimlessness...
.
.
.
.
.
why! how!
.
.
.
.
.
the day was pretty mundane...right!!!
then why the hell am i feeling so lost suddenly?
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
no longer...
i m feeling miserable...and extremely guilty of being who i am right now...
but if i am feeling the way i am about going back home is it actually my fault?
yes its true i dont feel like goin home...not because i dont want to meet anyone but because home has changed so much...i picturise home as the same one which i had left some 9 months ago...same locality...same comfort...same independence...same people...same space
but home has somehow lost all its meaning since i ve been here...i miss being at home here which i have been accustomed to but its a killing feeling when being bac at home also i miss being at home...there are so many things that i have to do...coz i am expected to...
no longer can i be at peace with myself coz of the various things every single person dear to me expects from me while i m there...and if i deviate from any of that...i dread hearing how i have changed and how its not important to me anymore...
no longer can i just laze around watching tv...the way i used to...without bothering about how mumma papa will not be expecting this from me...
no longer can i just venture out on my own...the way i m used to at home coz that raises so many doubts in everyone's mind about why am i not mixing with anyone...but god damn it...thats why i loved home coz it used to let me be...coz every morning i dint have to think why i should do what i am doing...
no longer can i venture out for a movie alone coz that makes me a loner of sorts who isnt social enough to care about the sentiments of others...
no longer can i catch a cup of coffee with myself at a ccd...coz it requires to be known to everyone where i am...
i dunno why i dread goin back home...i hate myself for saying this but i dunno why i cant just pretend its not like that anymore...i hate myself for seeing the hurt in their eyes all the while fighting for my own space while i m there...i hate myself for not being the good daughter that i m expected to be...which i have never been...i hate myself for being the burden i feel i am...on everyone...more than that i hate myself for not being able to pretend that i am very happy...i just cant pretend being myself at home...no matter how much i try.
maybe i have become too materialistic in my outlook...i dunno how to deal with this...
and i confess i am not one the best daughters to have for my parents...
i wish i could understand this...or even help it...
i wish someone could just swish a magic wand and make things the way it was before...how i wish...
but if i am feeling the way i am about going back home is it actually my fault?
yes its true i dont feel like goin home...not because i dont want to meet anyone but because home has changed so much...i picturise home as the same one which i had left some 9 months ago...same locality...same comfort...same independence...same people...same space
but home has somehow lost all its meaning since i ve been here...i miss being at home here which i have been accustomed to but its a killing feeling when being bac at home also i miss being at home...there are so many things that i have to do...coz i am expected to...
no longer can i be at peace with myself coz of the various things every single person dear to me expects from me while i m there...and if i deviate from any of that...i dread hearing how i have changed and how its not important to me anymore...
no longer can i just laze around watching tv...the way i used to...without bothering about how mumma papa will not be expecting this from me...
no longer can i just venture out on my own...the way i m used to at home coz that raises so many doubts in everyone's mind about why am i not mixing with anyone...but god damn it...thats why i loved home coz it used to let me be...coz every morning i dint have to think why i should do what i am doing...
no longer can i venture out for a movie alone coz that makes me a loner of sorts who isnt social enough to care about the sentiments of others...
no longer can i catch a cup of coffee with myself at a ccd...coz it requires to be known to everyone where i am...
i dunno why i dread goin back home...i hate myself for saying this but i dunno why i cant just pretend its not like that anymore...i hate myself for seeing the hurt in their eyes all the while fighting for my own space while i m there...i hate myself for not being the good daughter that i m expected to be...which i have never been...i hate myself for being the burden i feel i am...on everyone...more than that i hate myself for not being able to pretend that i am very happy...i just cant pretend being myself at home...no matter how much i try.
maybe i have become too materialistic in my outlook...i dunno how to deal with this...
and i confess i am not one the best daughters to have for my parents...
i wish i could understand this...or even help it...
i wish someone could just swish a magic wand and make things the way it was before...how i wish...
Friday, February 24, 2006
ever had that 'one moment'?
so many thoughts...so much to feel...in just this one moment...
one moment
...and you are extremely overwhelmed at the lessons that life has to teach through so many various situations and people
one moment
...and you just dunno how to react to that sudden pang of helplessness of your buddie who is missing his dad...who for reasons unknown isnt there with him...at this stage of life.
one moment
...and you start heeheehaha-ing with that same buddie to avoid all the awkwardness of being caught in that moment of being sentimental and all emotional...
one moment
...and you are on a completely different track of life talking about completely unrelated things in life
one moment
...and you get to know that your best friend is looking for you at 00.15 hrs to share a news
one moment
...and wow...she finally got her article published...not many will understand what that means to her...and how proud i am of her
one moment
...and i realise that more than a cause of happiness...the happy news is her reason for worry...coz this world never really understand things that are so close to our hearts
one moment
...and i realise that this world wont change just because you want to keep your life simple and be happy
one moment
...and we are okay with the fact of this world being the way it is
one moment
...and i am suddenly surrounded by two different group of friends...one online...and other two with me here in my room
one moment
...and i suddenly want to be with both of them...one is my bestest buddie...with whom i m discussing our fears and beliefs...and the second is my friends here with whom i do timepass everyday...at their height of vellapanti...but hey i want to do that as well
one moment
...and i am managing both sides...my mind not lettin me be a 100 percent at both ends...but refusing to let go of any one end
one moment
...and suddenly my friends here leave me to be alone...finally. but hey my friend at the other end also is ready to go...
one moment
...and i m alone in my room once again...
one moment
...and i m missin my friends...(missin more of the ones who were here with me till now...than the one who is at a distance)...
one moment
... and i realise that i want to rewind a bit...go bac in time...just one moment ago
but hey
one moment is no longer there...
it fascinates me more than upsetting me!!!
one moment
...and you are extremely overwhelmed at the lessons that life has to teach through so many various situations and people
one moment
...and you just dunno how to react to that sudden pang of helplessness of your buddie who is missing his dad...who for reasons unknown isnt there with him...at this stage of life.
one moment
...and you start heeheehaha-ing with that same buddie to avoid all the awkwardness of being caught in that moment of being sentimental and all emotional...
one moment
...and you are on a completely different track of life talking about completely unrelated things in life
one moment
...and you get to know that your best friend is looking for you at 00.15 hrs to share a news
one moment
...and wow...she finally got her article published...not many will understand what that means to her...and how proud i am of her
one moment
...and i realise that more than a cause of happiness...the happy news is her reason for worry...coz this world never really understand things that are so close to our hearts
one moment
...and i realise that this world wont change just because you want to keep your life simple and be happy
one moment
...and we are okay with the fact of this world being the way it is
one moment
...and i am suddenly surrounded by two different group of friends...one online...and other two with me here in my room
one moment
...and i suddenly want to be with both of them...one is my bestest buddie...with whom i m discussing our fears and beliefs...and the second is my friends here with whom i do timepass everyday...at their height of vellapanti...but hey i want to do that as well
one moment
...and i am managing both sides...my mind not lettin me be a 100 percent at both ends...but refusing to let go of any one end
one moment
...and suddenly my friends here leave me to be alone...finally. but hey my friend at the other end also is ready to go...
one moment
...and i m alone in my room once again...
one moment
...and i m missin my friends...(missin more of the ones who were here with me till now...than the one who is at a distance)...
one moment
... and i realise that i want to rewind a bit...go bac in time...just one moment ago
but hey
one moment is no longer there...
it fascinates me more than upsetting me!!!
Thursday, February 23, 2006
self-imposed humiliation
have u ever felt so enraged that u dont have any control over yourself anymore...
that you just could smash someones face with the most impulsive hardhitting punch ever...
that you just dont know how to stay alone but cant be with anyone anymore...
...that tears just cant help rolling from your eyes...that you just start wishing there was someone who would just hug you right here and now...without showing sympathy for the humiliation you are goin through because of your uncontrolled state of anger...
i hope you havent...
coz its not one of the feeling i choose to feel...
i just dont have enough will power to not let me suffer from this humiliation of uncontrolled anger at this point of time...
and i sure feel helpless about it
that you just could smash someones face with the most impulsive hardhitting punch ever...
that you just dont know how to stay alone but cant be with anyone anymore...
...that tears just cant help rolling from your eyes...that you just start wishing there was someone who would just hug you right here and now...without showing sympathy for the humiliation you are goin through because of your uncontrolled state of anger...
i hope you havent...
coz its not one of the feeling i choose to feel...
i just dont have enough will power to not let me suffer from this humiliation of uncontrolled anger at this point of time...
and i sure feel helpless about it
Friday, February 17, 2006
un-mind-less-ness
since the past three days havent been getting sound sleep...i wonder why...and because of the exhaustion i have become very restless.
cant really figure out the reasons why...
really felt like catching up with u...over a cup of coffee...laughing over silly jokes which hardly ever made sense...making a plan to initiate our own endeavor...something that would be our idea and plan...something that nobody can duplicate...its been quite long that we did something like that...i m sure wont ever pair up for that kind of fun in future...wish that i had a time machine...would ve visited that time and place once again today...but again like i said once to u...life always moves ahead...if only it could have moved backwards....
after a long time played sports as part of tournament as a mixed doubles team...thats the only good part about the last three days that we won the first two matches.
winning is addictive...that is one reason why i just dont want to win sometimes...thats one reason why i dont much like the concept of a competition in life...i dont want to get into the viscious circle of winning...i want to be casual...and wining once compels me to lose my complacent attitude...it forces me to outdo myself...it builds up that pressure and anticipated burden of failure...which makes life a rat race...which utlimately doesnt even let me enjoy the fun of being a deserving winner...whatever
u know subconsciously i am not making any efforts to connect to you...and i am sharing some guilt for that...but you know for once i am tired of making that constant effort to stay in touch...why you also dont feel like talking to me so many times...you also just fail to acknowlege that i exist so many times...so many times that this one time i want to not exist...coz i somehow dont see reason in being there whenever you call up...incidentally (unfortunately) this one time i am going through a tough crisis because of which i actually havent been 'connected' to a lot many friends that i stay in touch with...but with you...a bit of me is just failing to connect...and for once i dont want to feel sorry for this.
cant really figure out the reasons why...
really felt like catching up with u...over a cup of coffee...laughing over silly jokes which hardly ever made sense...making a plan to initiate our own endeavor...something that would be our idea and plan...something that nobody can duplicate...its been quite long that we did something like that...i m sure wont ever pair up for that kind of fun in future...wish that i had a time machine...would ve visited that time and place once again today...but again like i said once to u...life always moves ahead...if only it could have moved backwards....
after a long time played sports as part of tournament as a mixed doubles team...thats the only good part about the last three days that we won the first two matches.
winning is addictive...that is one reason why i just dont want to win sometimes...thats one reason why i dont much like the concept of a competition in life...i dont want to get into the viscious circle of winning...i want to be casual...and wining once compels me to lose my complacent attitude...it forces me to outdo myself...it builds up that pressure and anticipated burden of failure...which makes life a rat race...which utlimately doesnt even let me enjoy the fun of being a deserving winner...whatever
u know subconsciously i am not making any efforts to connect to you...and i am sharing some guilt for that...but you know for once i am tired of making that constant effort to stay in touch...why you also dont feel like talking to me so many times...you also just fail to acknowlege that i exist so many times...so many times that this one time i want to not exist...coz i somehow dont see reason in being there whenever you call up...incidentally (unfortunately) this one time i am going through a tough crisis because of which i actually havent been 'connected' to a lot many friends that i stay in touch with...but with you...a bit of me is just failing to connect...and for once i dont want to feel sorry for this.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Diarios De Motocicleta (Motorcycle Diaries, The)
i had read parts of this book as well...but i guess video is undoubtedly the better way of getting exposed to issues like these...serious...thought provoking...and dont know what what more.
I am sure there are finer details in the book...something that no video can capture.
Frankly speaking hadn't a clue about who Ernesto Guevara de la Serna aka 'Che' Guevara was until K had told me that she was seriously re-considering the thought of marrying the guy (thankfully her husband now) because he hadnt heard about Che until she mentioned to him. I had almost fallen off the chair myself at her insane standards for choosing someone for a life partner. I really had coz by then even i hadnt heard much about him. Although after knowing the little that i know now, i can figure the reasons somewhat.
I ain't any authority either on movies in general or this subject so i wouldn't claim too much knowledge on the same.
But something about the movie...about 'Che' does hit deep within...and affects in a way that no words can express ever.
Even though the movie begins on a adventurous note with the two friends Alberto and Ernesto and a plan to travel 8000 kilometers in four months to explore the Latin American Continent that they knew only by books on their 'La Poderosa' (for the uninitiated a motorcycle which in their own words was "A '39 Norton 500 thats battered and leaks"), it eventually turns out to be a lot more than just an adventure.
what actually makes it so much more is worth pondering over...was it the difficulty that they faced in their travel...was it the warmth of the strangers that they received on the way...was it the sufferings of the people that they encountered while meeting them...was it the uncertainty of their own lives...of even whether they will live through their journey...or was it the reality that hit them hard...to be able to percieve the injustice metted out to natives by the so called powerful people...was it just the few smiles that the kind and sincere deeds of the two friends brought into the lives of the leprosy patients they lived with...or was it the honesty of Fuser...maybe it was just the light hearted humour of Alberto...
but there definitey was something that manages to make you think...and gives rise to that eagerness to do something...to maybe not achieve much...but fill in that something which is bereft of feeling anything unless you contribute your share to the society...the humankind.
like Ernesto Guevara de la Serna himself concludes by saying
"...but that aimless roaming through our enormous America has changed me more than i thought. I...am not myself anymore. At least, i am not the same inside."
I am sure there are finer details in the book...something that no video can capture.
Frankly speaking hadn't a clue about who Ernesto Guevara de la Serna aka 'Che' Guevara was until K had told me that she was seriously re-considering the thought of marrying the guy (thankfully her husband now) because he hadnt heard about Che until she mentioned to him. I had almost fallen off the chair myself at her insane standards for choosing someone for a life partner. I really had coz by then even i hadnt heard much about him. Although after knowing the little that i know now, i can figure the reasons somewhat.
I ain't any authority either on movies in general or this subject so i wouldn't claim too much knowledge on the same.
But something about the movie...about 'Che' does hit deep within...and affects in a way that no words can express ever.
Even though the movie begins on a adventurous note with the two friends Alberto and Ernesto and a plan to travel 8000 kilometers in four months to explore the Latin American Continent that they knew only by books on their 'La Poderosa' (for the uninitiated a motorcycle which in their own words was "A '39 Norton 500 thats battered and leaks"), it eventually turns out to be a lot more than just an adventure.
what actually makes it so much more is worth pondering over...was it the difficulty that they faced in their travel...was it the warmth of the strangers that they received on the way...was it the sufferings of the people that they encountered while meeting them...was it the uncertainty of their own lives...of even whether they will live through their journey...or was it the reality that hit them hard...to be able to percieve the injustice metted out to natives by the so called powerful people...was it just the few smiles that the kind and sincere deeds of the two friends brought into the lives of the leprosy patients they lived with...or was it the honesty of Fuser...maybe it was just the light hearted humour of Alberto...
but there definitey was something that manages to make you think...and gives rise to that eagerness to do something...to maybe not achieve much...but fill in that something which is bereft of feeling anything unless you contribute your share to the society...the humankind.
like Ernesto Guevara de la Serna himself concludes by saying
"...but that aimless roaming through our enormous America has changed me more than i thought. I...am not myself anymore. At least, i am not the same inside."
About Scarlet O' Hara & more importantly Rhett Butler...
just saw the movie today...ya without reading the book (i know its a sin yet couldnt much help it)...have read half the book but somehow time wasnt ever so abundant that i could finish it...
the movie (as most who have read the book would say) can never do justice to stories like these...but i m so glad that they make it...nonetheless!
dont get much words to describe what it feels after the movie...somewhere within i can relate to Ms Scarlet o'Hara...arrogant...immature...strong willed...impossible...egotist. Mostly that desire to make it through life...no matter what goes wrong...not give up! Guess thats something that only Captain Butler (or maybe even melly) could have understood...so helplessly in love with her...that he was...in spite of himself.
i know this doesnt happen in real life...there isn't a Scarlet O' Hara...who can be what she wants to be and get away with that even... and neither is there a Captain Rhett Butler...to love her and keep her safe no matter what...even when she doesnt want him to...but stories such as these do ignite that streak of hope within...
there are so many instances in the movie when i cried out aloud...laughed...lived the story myself...being scarlet and (you might find it funny) also rhett butler for that matter...
movies like this make me believe that there is nothing like a perfect relationship...and thank god for that...perfectness scares me...thats just too pretentious to be true i think.
the movie (as most who have read the book would say) can never do justice to stories like these...but i m so glad that they make it...nonetheless!
dont get much words to describe what it feels after the movie...somewhere within i can relate to Ms Scarlet o'Hara...arrogant...immature...strong willed...impossible...egotist. Mostly that desire to make it through life...no matter what goes wrong...not give up! Guess thats something that only Captain Butler (or maybe even melly) could have understood...so helplessly in love with her...that he was...in spite of himself.
i know this doesnt happen in real life...there isn't a Scarlet O' Hara...who can be what she wants to be and get away with that even... and neither is there a Captain Rhett Butler...to love her and keep her safe no matter what...even when she doesnt want him to...but stories such as these do ignite that streak of hope within...
there are so many instances in the movie when i cried out aloud...laughed...lived the story myself...being scarlet and (you might find it funny) also rhett butler for that matter...
movies like this make me believe that there is nothing like a perfect relationship...and thank god for that...perfectness scares me...thats just too pretentious to be true i think.
Episode #2 - Consortium of sorts
resuming that series...here's the next two in my list
# hbang
...dont really know what else to call him...banged into him by chance and we became friends for life...got to know each other through third parties...never really talked about our personal lives...coz there wasnt any time left to do that talking...we were so busy planning how to tease each other and laugh at our silliness...he is a welcome distraction in my life...there are few who would spare time in this busy world to laugh at the lighter side of life...and i m so glad that i have him for that.and in the midst of all this merry times...didnt even realise when we began discussing our small serious issues in life...it was so spontaneous...thats what i call frienship which i am ready to own...anytime of my life now!!!
He will laugh his heart out at this party idea...but will make sure that he attends...if it is in the city he is in...or at the time when he is free...or...basically if he doesnt get an excuse big enough....or so i think! But most of my other friends will like him coz he is a people's person...one of the person who wont think much about the marked differences within the group of my special friends! be there...dance and make the most of it while he is there!
# mumpy
she could kill me right here for calling her that...but its fun getting an opportunity to do that here...ya thats her pet name which, like a kid, she hates to be addressed as. It is uncanny how well we understand each other...the hardcore feminist (or should i say the worst enemy of a MCP) in us makes us both the very independent individuals that we are...and yet the feminine side in us which make us yearn for that one guy who would really understand us for the independence that we cant give up for anyone in life...the non-conformists who appreciate the finer things in life...films...books...coffee :) Tres bien!
Cant figure out how she will react to this...maybe she wont mind attending the party...cant be sure about her not minding the guests though! :P
Saturday, February 11, 2006
is it because i am who i am?
sometimes i feel strange and weird that i have changed such a lot...
now here is an opportunity where i can go out with friends on a vacation to a nearby beach resort...and here i am pondering over the possible excuses so that i dont have to go...
was i ever like that? no i wasnt...
i used to be someone who would at the drop of a hat make programs and make them happen...because i so loved being out...the feeling of getting to know each other better...the feeling of not doing the routine mundane chores...
but taking the ponder-level to a different platform...if somebody would still give me an opportunity like this with my close group of friends in all probability i wont want to find excuses...
have i become so sad...or grown up for that matter that simple things like these dont matter anymore...or is it just another instance where i have not really grown fond of people whom i live with...who are so much part of my life here that we are almost like family
i dont know...but i feel a sudden sad pang hitting me as i wonder about the reasons...maybe i am past that age...when one would just do all these without thinking...coz to me these things are far more significant now...the people i travel with...just to begin with
i m suddenly missing my school friends and school days...coz i would love this trip with them...there would be certain restrictions on things we could do then (which actually was the basic charm of doing them at the first place)...there would be certain rules and regulations (which we would love to break) ...certain places barred from visiting...so that it suddenly makes more sense to be able to announce "been there done that"...:) silly one may say...but those are no longer there anymore...
i am allowed to do everything...even smoke drink...something which i dont see sense in anymore (not that it used to be of great interest to me anyway)
maybe what really prevents me from going to trips like these are the conflicting habits of this peer group...maybe we have known each other too well in too less time...so much that i dont want to know anyone anymore...coz it really doesnt matter...not just to me but anyone around. nobody wants to own anyone else even as a friend coz friendship no longer is unconditional and its kind of obligatory otherwise.
no dont get me wrong...we all are friends here...and i m not questioning that...but owning a friendship is distinct from having one...and even tho i have lot of friends here...i m not sure how many i am willing to own.
and that is the saddest part.
now here is an opportunity where i can go out with friends on a vacation to a nearby beach resort...and here i am pondering over the possible excuses so that i dont have to go...
was i ever like that? no i wasnt...
i used to be someone who would at the drop of a hat make programs and make them happen...because i so loved being out...the feeling of getting to know each other better...the feeling of not doing the routine mundane chores...
but taking the ponder-level to a different platform...if somebody would still give me an opportunity like this with my close group of friends in all probability i wont want to find excuses...
have i become so sad...or grown up for that matter that simple things like these dont matter anymore...or is it just another instance where i have not really grown fond of people whom i live with...who are so much part of my life here that we are almost like family
i dont know...but i feel a sudden sad pang hitting me as i wonder about the reasons...maybe i am past that age...when one would just do all these without thinking...coz to me these things are far more significant now...the people i travel with...just to begin with
i m suddenly missing my school friends and school days...coz i would love this trip with them...there would be certain restrictions on things we could do then (which actually was the basic charm of doing them at the first place)...there would be certain rules and regulations (which we would love to break) ...certain places barred from visiting...so that it suddenly makes more sense to be able to announce "been there done that"...:) silly one may say...but those are no longer there anymore...
i am allowed to do everything...even smoke drink...something which i dont see sense in anymore (not that it used to be of great interest to me anyway)
maybe what really prevents me from going to trips like these are the conflicting habits of this peer group...maybe we have known each other too well in too less time...so much that i dont want to know anyone anymore...coz it really doesnt matter...not just to me but anyone around. nobody wants to own anyone else even as a friend coz friendship no longer is unconditional and its kind of obligatory otherwise.
no dont get me wrong...we all are friends here...and i m not questioning that...but owning a friendship is distinct from having one...and even tho i have lot of friends here...i m not sure how many i am willing to own.
and that is the saddest part.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
a special party...A Consortium of Sorts - The First in the series!
i have been thinking of having this special party for all different sort of friends i have made through the journey of life till now...all with whom i share an ever lasting ...never ending friendship...all of whom i may not catch up for the rest of my life but will treasure in my mind for being there for me...when they were...and making it so wonderful...all of who are so distinct that getting them together at a same place and time wouldnt really be that good an idea...but still in my mind i would love to have them interact with each other (to appreciate all the different perspectives they have added to each other's life through me).
it will be a long list and i dont really know if i would be able to cover them al in just one post but i do plan to cover them all no matter what...the list would go on to describe each of them in my special way...think i will take two at a time...to not do injustice to all of my dear friends!
p.s.the list is pretty random and does not follow any particular sequence of when and at what stage of my life they have been there for me. any coincidence on sequencing is unintentional. its been done in a random fashion specifically to ensure that the invitees on the occasion do not form smaller groups among themselves just because they happen to know each other...theidea is to get them know people whom they have just heard about from me and appreciate that...:)
#1. yellowwrapper
...the sunshine in my life...since i dont know when...guess she has been there even before i knew the meaning of a friend...and till now we havent concluded what friendship is all about...thats what our friendship is...i am scared to swear on it...coz one thing we ve learnt with each other in our lives is nothing is final...no matter what...and just when one is sure about it...it just disappears...so i dont swear by it any longer...but treasure it all the more because of it...we have had our set of times when we have not seen eye to eye...but the best thing is that we like to make mistakes and learn to be the best rather than pretending to be perfect friends...
guess if anyone will understand my idea of this special party its her...altho am not sure if she would enjoy the thought of meeting all of whom she has heard about so much at once...maybe the sudden confrontation will make her doubt the uniqueness of each friend she meets here!
#2.ars est celare artem
...the top of the top...thats how he would describe himself...which wont be completely untrue also...considering he does top anything that he sets his mind on. he is of my recent friend...one on whose silliest of silly jokes make me laugh...not because its really funny but because he recites the same in such a humourous way...he hardly likes to listen to me...and feels quite trapped when not given a choice about it...but yet he bears with me. we ve had the toughest times sitting through all the movies we have watched together till date in theatres...and have vowed to not sit through another one as we are jinxed.hehehe.its weird that we would be such good friends considering we are quite opposites in a lot of way...but we are...and even tho i aint sure if he appreciates the differences...i definitely do!
his reaction to such a party would be "kahan phasan rahi hai mujhko...koi babe aa rahi hai kya tere party mein...varna main kya karoonga...hum miltein hain party ke baad"...but unfortunately right now he doesnt have that choice...hehehe
...yet to be concluded
it will be a long list and i dont really know if i would be able to cover them al in just one post but i do plan to cover them all no matter what...the list would go on to describe each of them in my special way...think i will take two at a time...to not do injustice to all of my dear friends!
p.s.the list is pretty random and does not follow any particular sequence of when and at what stage of my life they have been there for me. any coincidence on sequencing is unintentional. its been done in a random fashion specifically to ensure that the invitees on the occasion do not form smaller groups among themselves just because they happen to know each other...theidea is to get them know people whom they have just heard about from me and appreciate that...:)
#1. yellowwrapper
...the sunshine in my life...since i dont know when...guess she has been there even before i knew the meaning of a friend...and till now we havent concluded what friendship is all about...thats what our friendship is...i am scared to swear on it...coz one thing we ve learnt with each other in our lives is nothing is final...no matter what...and just when one is sure about it...it just disappears...so i dont swear by it any longer...but treasure it all the more because of it...we have had our set of times when we have not seen eye to eye...but the best thing is that we like to make mistakes and learn to be the best rather than pretending to be perfect friends...
guess if anyone will understand my idea of this special party its her...altho am not sure if she would enjoy the thought of meeting all of whom she has heard about so much at once...maybe the sudden confrontation will make her doubt the uniqueness of each friend she meets here!
#2.ars est celare artem
...the top of the top...thats how he would describe himself...which wont be completely untrue also...considering he does top anything that he sets his mind on. he is of my recent friend...one on whose silliest of silly jokes make me laugh...not because its really funny but because he recites the same in such a humourous way...he hardly likes to listen to me...and feels quite trapped when not given a choice about it...but yet he bears with me. we ve had the toughest times sitting through all the movies we have watched together till date in theatres...and have vowed to not sit through another one as we are jinxed.hehehe.its weird that we would be such good friends considering we are quite opposites in a lot of way...but we are...and even tho i aint sure if he appreciates the differences...i definitely do!
his reaction to such a party would be "kahan phasan rahi hai mujhko...koi babe aa rahi hai kya tere party mein...varna main kya karoonga...hum miltein hain party ke baad"...but unfortunately right now he doesnt have that choice...hehehe
...yet to be concluded
Saturday, February 04, 2006
nothing matters anymore!!!
so sure that its all sour
isnt anymore from the heart
forever doubting who we are (or were)
coz nothing matters anymore!!!
...i know its a sad version of a beautiful song...but guess most beautiful things...feelings...relationships...songs have to turn awry at some stage...the beauty just fails to stay on...wish it would though (sigh!)
isnt anymore from the heart
forever doubting who we are (or were)
coz nothing matters anymore!!!
...i know its a sad version of a beautiful song...but guess most beautiful things...feelings...relationships...songs have to turn awry at some stage...the beauty just fails to stay on...wish it would though (sigh!)
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Just why?
i had vowed to myself that i wouldnt bother...and yet again i did...why??? and i have no answer for myself...no it doesnt make me feel any bit of happiness to know things at ur end are bad...but i am sorry to say painting a sad picture of yourself doesnt make any inroads to my heart...in fact i quite despise that!
and once again i feel sorry that i have mistaken you to be a strong individual...i think it was one of the first few traits that i have appreciated in you...that u are strong...and no i dont mean strong people dont get hurt...or are not sensitive...or emotional...what i mean by strong people is that they dont win sympathy and pity by portraying themselves in a sad state...maybe i get you wrong but thats what i get of you these days. for once i dont even feel like apologising.
i still wonder at times why u had to prove me so wrong by being someone i never thought u could be!...yea once again...i get no answer
and once again i swear that i wont let this bother me!!!
and once again i feel sorry that i have mistaken you to be a strong individual...i think it was one of the first few traits that i have appreciated in you...that u are strong...and no i dont mean strong people dont get hurt...or are not sensitive...or emotional...what i mean by strong people is that they dont win sympathy and pity by portraying themselves in a sad state...maybe i get you wrong but thats what i get of you these days. for once i dont even feel like apologising.
i still wonder at times why u had to prove me so wrong by being someone i never thought u could be!...yea once again...i get no answer
and once again i swear that i wont let this bother me!!!
Friday, January 20, 2006
coincidences...
when you are feeling lost and alone
when there is nothing that seems to make you feel at peace with yourself
when the only thing that could help is a knowing reassurance from a close friend
when the only distraction you can welcome is that of a friend who would understand without having been explained the why of things
at this point of time
how does it feel when you call the only three people who could understand...
- out of the three
one has her mobile phone switched off
second has a no reply on his cell phone
and the third ...the third refuses to recognise you...call it a coincidence that she has to miss your number only at this point of time...or maybe she is busy with her office meeting...or i dunno
or is it just that a number like three is unlucky to begin with???
when there is nothing that seems to make you feel at peace with yourself
when the only thing that could help is a knowing reassurance from a close friend
when the only distraction you can welcome is that of a friend who would understand without having been explained the why of things
at this point of time
how does it feel when you call the only three people who could understand...
- out of the three
one has her mobile phone switched off
second has a no reply on his cell phone
and the third ...the third refuses to recognise you...call it a coincidence that she has to miss your number only at this point of time...or maybe she is busy with her office meeting...or i dunno
or is it just that a number like three is unlucky to begin with???
feel free!!!
want to feel free..dont know what is preventing me from feeling that!
had read this long time ago on a poster...thought would share
you are free to
free to speak yr mind
free to make a living
free to believe in anything
free to to ignore everybody else
free to to learnfree to hate school
free to fall in love
free to fall out of love
free to dance to yr own tune
free to sing yr own song
free to raise a family
free to raise a toast
free to point a finger
free to move
free to stand still
free to wear jeans
free to pierce yr ears
free to help s'one in need
free to turn a blind eye to suffering
free to havce stars in yr eyes
free to have yr own point of view
free to have fun
free to be wotever u want to b
free to disagree
free to choose a life
free to change all that
FREE-DOM is everything!!!
had read this long time ago on a poster...thought would share
you are free to
free to speak yr mind
free to make a living
free to believe in anything
free to to ignore everybody else
free to to learnfree to hate school
free to fall in love
free to fall out of love
free to dance to yr own tune
free to sing yr own song
free to raise a family
free to raise a toast
free to point a finger
free to move
free to stand still
free to wear jeans
free to pierce yr ears
free to help s'one in need
free to turn a blind eye to suffering
free to havce stars in yr eyes
free to have yr own point of view
free to have fun
free to be wotever u want to b
free to disagree
free to choose a life
free to change all that
FREE-DOM is everything!!!
that certain uncertainty!!!
there are so many small big things that keep on happening in our daily lives...things that dont have any direct effect on us...things that we can easily ignore coz it aint happening to us...things that will affect not our today...but might in some ways relate to our future...which is too farsighted anyways and hence not really worth thinking about now...or maybe it is...who knows...
one such thing right now here on campus is the final placement process!
its difficult to stay unaffected by it...its difficult to ignore...even though its the seniors who are getting placed right now...
there is a strange restlessness within...a strange fear...a certain uncertainty that arises somewhere within.
after all that is your real measure of performance...or is that also yet another milestone in the scheme of things...these are questions to which only life in its course might provide an answer...(note that i said "might")...again that certain uncertainty...
sometimes our whole life can be reduced to this certain uncertainty that we face at every step of our living...
when we are certain of who we are..
who we want to be...
but arent really sure that is what we should be...
whatever!!!
p.s. guess there are lots that i can write about this but somehow dont think words would do justice to what i am trying to figure out here!!!
one such thing right now here on campus is the final placement process!
its difficult to stay unaffected by it...its difficult to ignore...even though its the seniors who are getting placed right now...
there is a strange restlessness within...a strange fear...a certain uncertainty that arises somewhere within.
after all that is your real measure of performance...or is that also yet another milestone in the scheme of things...these are questions to which only life in its course might provide an answer...(note that i said "might")...again that certain uncertainty...
sometimes our whole life can be reduced to this certain uncertainty that we face at every step of our living...
when we are certain of who we are..
who we want to be...
but arent really sure that is what we should be...
whatever!!!
p.s. guess there are lots that i can write about this but somehow dont think words would do justice to what i am trying to figure out here!!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
since when???
since when did i become so blank
that despite the light around, i just see the dark
since when did i forget to express
every little emotion that i never had to suppress
since when did i start staring at the wall
with the hope that it will answer it all
since when did i become so conscious
that every little moment of joy ends up in a mess
since when did i become so negative
that everything now has become relative
since when did i lose so much of myself
that i can now compare myself to a showpiece on that shelf???
that despite the light around, i just see the dark
since when did i forget to express
every little emotion that i never had to suppress
since when did i start staring at the wall
with the hope that it will answer it all
since when did i become so conscious
that every little moment of joy ends up in a mess
since when did i become so negative
that everything now has become relative
since when did i lose so much of myself
that i can now compare myself to a showpiece on that shelf???
Saturday, January 14, 2006
let me be!
i hate it when i have to hear what i should be and what i shouldnt be in future...
i dont know why though...
it seems weird to me that you have to go out of your way to tell me that i shouldnt be extravagant...the instant question that pops up in my mind is what if i will be extravagant...how does that change any bit of me that i will be tommorow...does extravagance have any significance to being what i am today...and what do you mean by extravagant...i mean it bugs me to the extent that i get into a row with you...but why...why do you have to ask such insignificant questions...i dont understand it.
today is a completely different situation from what tomorrow would be and i hate to define tomorrow based on today...it is absurd. today i am learning...tomorrow i will earn...(or at least hoping to earn). today i m cautious maybe partly because tomorrow i want to have as much to not be cautious about. dont you get it...and why do you start assuming such things from now...
or maybe the reason is far more deeper inner than this....yesterday you had defined a today...in which you had talked about how you never change...how people around you change... and loads of similar things...about confidence, genuineness and behavior. You still want to believe you didnt change...when the today eventually came...but i know you changed and i refuse to argue over that coz i think its only natural to change...so why get into these talks about the future...let it just be...why do u have to define a today based on your yesterday or even a future based on today...just let it be!
and more importantly just let me be...dont define a future me based on the me i am today...coz i get scared of having so much more of me tomorrow that your today's definition wont fit in that space that u have defined me for future...coz thats what i live for...for making me a little more than i am today...so that i can make a little more difference tomorrow than i can today...
even if that doesnt make sense to you!
i dont know why though...
it seems weird to me that you have to go out of your way to tell me that i shouldnt be extravagant...the instant question that pops up in my mind is what if i will be extravagant...how does that change any bit of me that i will be tommorow...does extravagance have any significance to being what i am today...and what do you mean by extravagant...i mean it bugs me to the extent that i get into a row with you...but why...why do you have to ask such insignificant questions...i dont understand it.
today is a completely different situation from what tomorrow would be and i hate to define tomorrow based on today...it is absurd. today i am learning...tomorrow i will earn...(or at least hoping to earn). today i m cautious maybe partly because tomorrow i want to have as much to not be cautious about. dont you get it...and why do you start assuming such things from now...
or maybe the reason is far more deeper inner than this....yesterday you had defined a today...in which you had talked about how you never change...how people around you change... and loads of similar things...about confidence, genuineness and behavior. You still want to believe you didnt change...when the today eventually came...but i know you changed and i refuse to argue over that coz i think its only natural to change...so why get into these talks about the future...let it just be...why do u have to define a today based on your yesterday or even a future based on today...just let it be!
and more importantly just let me be...dont define a future me based on the me i am today...coz i get scared of having so much more of me tomorrow that your today's definition wont fit in that space that u have defined me for future...coz thats what i live for...for making me a little more than i am today...so that i can make a little more difference tomorrow than i can today...
even if that doesnt make sense to you!
Friday, January 13, 2006
blame it all on distance...
there was a time when i used to proudly say that long distances doesn't necessarily change things that keep a relationship goin on...i still want to believe this...deep within my mind i still haven't been able to deny this belief completely...but i prefer to not announce it to anyone anymore.
Being out of home for the first time, i have realised many small small things that have changed and will keep on changing over the years that i am going to be at a distance...maybe things wont ever get back to being what they used to be...
and that means in a way a lot of me would be left behind...or already has...
...would like to blame it on the distance factor...but don't really know who is to be blamed...circumstances one could say...i still havent figured it out.
one small thing that blows so out of proportion because of distances is expectations...they are not just my expectations from myself and others around me...but a whole world of people'e expectations from me.
and expectations, as i have realised, have a tendency to keep on increasing!
i dont know...maybe i overreact way too soon...maybe this happens with everyone...
but thats what my point has always been...that i m not everyone...and that whats i keep on holding on to here also...despite everything that keeps on changing...every single day...
...things like
...you stop connecting to your old friends...coz you want to finally GROW up...so you stop sharing small things that make a difference to you every moment that u are here...
...you start behaving with your parents...its like a good daughter's rule that you are expected to carry on with ever since you ve been born...which you couldnt ever have managed but for long distances...coz you dont have to face them every day...again and again...so the least that u are expected to do over the phone...you do that
...you decide to get not too upset about the fact that your one special friend is busy...not to question his busy-ness...to mind your own business...and eventually lose that special feeling...for reasons not known to anyone...ya...but you lose that...and you have no-one to blame...so you decide to move on...
...you keep on living a somewhat make-believe life at the distance...thinking it doesnt matter to people here...coz they dont really know you...but you will not change for the few people who matter to you back at home...for them you will live...the three months that you have no choice about here...for those 7 days that you can be yourself when you are back home...
but guess what when you go back there...home changes...people whom you used to matter change...their expectations from you change...and maybe you also change so much so that you suddenly dont know where you belong...coz those 7 days make you lose your imaginary world that you have created at that distance...and suddenly there isnt anything left that you can hold on to...call your own...
maybe thats because there is nothing in this world which is yours...wont ever be...
and this is that learning which everyone keeps on talking about when they say distances make you learn few lessons...that will last you a lifetime...
even though change is the only constant in this world...even tho i am constantly changing...
i still try to not lose a lot of me in the entire process...coz one thing i have realised that the more of me i lose with years...the less concerned i become...the less important life becomes...no matter how much more knowledge i gain...life is a little less meaningful that what it used to be...and a lot lesser i like myself!
Being out of home for the first time, i have realised many small small things that have changed and will keep on changing over the years that i am going to be at a distance...maybe things wont ever get back to being what they used to be...
and that means in a way a lot of me would be left behind...or already has...
...would like to blame it on the distance factor...but don't really know who is to be blamed...circumstances one could say...i still havent figured it out.
one small thing that blows so out of proportion because of distances is expectations...they are not just my expectations from myself and others around me...but a whole world of people'e expectations from me.
and expectations, as i have realised, have a tendency to keep on increasing!
i dont know...maybe i overreact way too soon...maybe this happens with everyone...
but thats what my point has always been...that i m not everyone...and that whats i keep on holding on to here also...despite everything that keeps on changing...every single day...
...things like
...you stop connecting to your old friends...coz you want to finally GROW up...so you stop sharing small things that make a difference to you every moment that u are here...
...you start behaving with your parents...its like a good daughter's rule that you are expected to carry on with ever since you ve been born...which you couldnt ever have managed but for long distances...coz you dont have to face them every day...again and again...so the least that u are expected to do over the phone...you do that
...you decide to get not too upset about the fact that your one special friend is busy...not to question his busy-ness...to mind your own business...and eventually lose that special feeling...for reasons not known to anyone...ya...but you lose that...and you have no-one to blame...so you decide to move on...
...you keep on living a somewhat make-believe life at the distance...thinking it doesnt matter to people here...coz they dont really know you...but you will not change for the few people who matter to you back at home...for them you will live...the three months that you have no choice about here...for those 7 days that you can be yourself when you are back home...
but guess what when you go back there...home changes...people whom you used to matter change...their expectations from you change...and maybe you also change so much so that you suddenly dont know where you belong...coz those 7 days make you lose your imaginary world that you have created at that distance...and suddenly there isnt anything left that you can hold on to...call your own...
maybe thats because there is nothing in this world which is yours...wont ever be...
and this is that learning which everyone keeps on talking about when they say distances make you learn few lessons...that will last you a lifetime...
even though change is the only constant in this world...even tho i am constantly changing...
i still try to not lose a lot of me in the entire process...coz one thing i have realised that the more of me i lose with years...the less concerned i become...the less important life becomes...no matter how much more knowledge i gain...life is a little less meaningful that what it used to be...and a lot lesser i like myself!
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